To Have vs. To Have Not

Don't worry folks its just me.....

I'm feeling the need to do a little rambling today so bear with me and weigh in if you feel so inclined.

Sometimes giving up something you hoped for is harder than giving up something you actually have. Ever noticed that? I'm not sure why that is, but I know it is true. Why is that the case I wonder? I have some theories.

Wanna hear 'em? Here they go....

Things that are hoped for but not actually realized may be more difficult to "lose" because when they are lost, one loses more than just that thing. The potential of all that might have come with that thing is also lost. The fantasy of finally having what one wants and the impact of having realized that desire is lost. Last but not least, the tangible thrill of getting what one wants and watching what comes with it unfold is lost.

In contrast, when one loses something they actually have, they lose only that thing, whatever it may be. Not to devalue the feelings of loss one in this position experiences, but I submit that those feelings may not be as potent as losing something that was hoped for because the potential of having had that thing has actually been realized. The fantasy of possessing that thing has been one's reality and the impact is therefore self-evident. The tangible thrill of ownership though now replaced by the pain of loss, has still been experienced. Understanding that this is a very simplistic evaluation of losing something one actually once possessed, I still land at the conclusion that one doesn't necessarily lose as much when losing something they have as they do when they lose something they hoped to have. Thoughts?

The Mechanics Of Passion

Lately I've been feeling a bit aimless.

I'm not sure what the root of my rootlessness is, though some might say it is the fact that the love of my life, my only child Ryan has recently graduated high school. Maybe those individuals would be right in their assessment of my situation though in my heart of hearts, I would beg to differ.

No, I truly don't feel that Ryan's rapid movement towards the world of adult independence has anything to do with my own rootlessness; I think it is something much more intrinsic to me personally. I think my issue is a severe and debilitating lack of passion, or minimally a deficiency in the tools necessary to handle the mechanics required to bring my passions to the surface.

I know what you're thinking: "What the hell is this sistah talking about now?" Let me explain. I know without a doubt that I am a woman of incredibly intense passions. However, currently I don't seem to be able to tap into any of the things towards which I feel passion. For instance, I am passionate about writing but I can't figure out what to write about. Thus, I don't write. This is not good folks and it is but one example of my recently passionless existence!

Now before y'all start getting all worried about your girl, let me assure you that I AM FINE. I am NOT depressed, nor do I feel discouraged. I am simply at one of those junctures in life when a little external inspiration will do a body good ;)

So help your sistah out...How do you manage the mechanics of tapping into your passions (whatever they are) when the flow is not what it once was? How do you find fresh and new ways to motivate yourself to pursue dreams and fantasies you rarely even find yourself dreaming or fantasizing about anymore? All suggestions, tips, and anecdotal information will be greatly appreciated and in the meantime, I will keep on keeping on as Gladys Knight sang because as y'all know, that's what I do!

I exist, therefore I am...and now you're telling me I have to have a purpose too?

A certain curly-headed lurker called me up last night to ask me questions about the concept of "purpose" in one's life. We had quite an extensive discussion about this ideology, and before I realized it was happening, I had discovered that in some wierd transmutation of the universe, I truly don't believe that each of us has a singular purpose so to speak to fulfill during our time here on earth!

Now before passing sentence on me and banishing me from ever even speaking the title of Mr. Warren's book aloud again, please bear with me while I try to explain my shocking perspective.

While it is important to understand that I am without question a person who is quite driven in life, I believe it is equally important to understand that I am not necessarily driven in quite the same way that many profess themselves to be driven, i.e. by purpose. A hard worker by upbringing and an over-achiever by nature (or so my son says), I am driven by myself and my response to my personal work ethic along with a desire to never be the proverbial "dumbass" in any room to do what I must to excel in every endeavor I attempt.

Tonight, while hanging quietly in my room reading blogs and trying to come up with a topic for this post, my beautiful, intelligent, and remarkably self-contained [especially for a 24 year-old] Goddaughter [the afore-mentioned curly-haired lurker] called to ask me my opinions on my personal purpose in life. Remembering what 24 was like, I was actually somewhat hesitant to share my views on purpose with her for fear that it would derail her from the path that 24 year olds inevitably find themselves traveling. After a short amount of introspections, I decided to do what I always do when it comes to this amazing individual and give her the unvarnished truth as I see/live it.

I explained to her that in my opinion, "Purpose" as a concept is quite overrated. Let me try to explain what I mean by this statement...

1. I believe that too many people spend too much time and exert way too much energy "looking for their purpose in life". In my opinion, purpose is something that is specific to wherever an individual is at any given moment in life and as such is a different thing for the same individual depending on the stage of life they may be in at any given time. That means that like most things in life, a person's purpose probably changes as a consequence of all of the other changes that are constantly happening in one's life. This being the case, it would seem to me that this idea of one's "Purpose" being the singular defining reason for why they were sent to this earth in the first place is way too big to accommodate any phenomenon with such a huge propensity for change.
   
2. If one does decide to take the position that we each have a specific singular purpose we are supposed to fulfill while here, a look down the road and into a future where that purpose has or has not been fulfilled results in a couple of questions that I believe it is important to answer. In scenario I, one fulfills his/her purpose by the ripe old age of 30...what's next? If purpose is a singular, overriding, and defining reason for why we are here, what is left for the individual who manages to find and fulfill his/her purpose quickly? Do they get a new purpose? Do we all get more than one? If we each have a singular purpose for which we were put here, what is this individual supposed to do with the rest of his/her life? What happens now? In scenario II, let's assume the individual never discovers nor fulfills his/her purpose...what happens here? Does this mean this person's life has been a waste and he/she is a failure at life? Should he/she continue to try to "find" a purpose or should he/she just give up and accept their perceived failure? If he/she does find "a new purpose" does that mean that they were mistaken about what they thought was their purpose before, or is this so-called "new purpose" a cop out? The fact that in either of these scenarios the individual is left to figure out what to do next seems to belie the idea of a singular purpose in any of our lives.
   
3. Another issue I have with the concept of a singular purpose is that for far too many people, purpose seems to relate to their occupation or vocation when in my view of the world if one were to be given a singular purpose to fulfill, I would think it would be connected to things that bring more value to the average individual's life than what we do to cover the cost of living. Though I fully understand that some of us actually do work at jobs that we truly love and that we find fulfilling, it is my belief that the mass majority of us work at jobs that are just that jobs...and have very little to do with any greater purpose our lives may have.

I could continue building this list of reasons why I don't personally subscribe to the idea of a singular purpose in my own life, but I won't because who has time for all of that? I will add this point from my own personal experience here on earth that just might shed a little more light on my views. If I were asked to define my own singular purpose in life if indeed I have one, I would have to say that it would be to have been my son's mother. However, this is something I would answer with the wisdom of the perspective of hindsight working for me. When I discovered that I was pregnant almost 20 years ago, I can assure you that I felt absolutely no sense of this pregnancy possibly being the first step to me fulfilling any purpose I might have been given in this life. Even as I raised this fantastic little boy to manhood, I still felt no sense of this being my purpose though I admit to having enjoyed doing this one thing more than anything else I've done. Additionally, now that my son is a man and well on his way to being on his own in the world, if being his mother was the singular purpose assigned to me by the cosmos or whatever entity is responsible for assigning purpose, does that mean I'm done now? Of course it doesn't, and for this reason more than anything else maybe, I don't buy into the idea of a singular purpose in life.

Not subscribing to the idea of a singular purpose has made my life easier in many ways in my opinion. I have spent virtually no time in the past 43 years comparing myself to others as it relates to where I happen to be at any point in my life. I don't find myself looking at those who have attained educational goals that I still aspire to achieve and thinking that they have done a better job of deciphering and attaining their purpose in this world. I don't look at married couples and think they are further along the path to fulfilling their purpose than I am. I don't find myself falling into depressions with the advent of my birthday each year because I am not where I thought I'd be by "x" date or point in time; to the contrary, I anticipate each birthday with the same excitement I had for my birthday as a child. As a matter of fact, though I spend a significant amount of time planning for my future, I DO NOT have a 5, 10, 15... or any other number of years plan; don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with making these kinds of plans...I simply don't do them. I definitely make plans for myself and my future such as my current "plan" to become a published author (I'm already a writer ;) within the calendar year running from February 1, 2008 to January 31, 2009. Notice I am writing that very specific and measureable goal here in the public realm for each of you to read and if you want attempt to hold me accountable to achieving. As I write it, I fully expect to fulfill this goal; however, if I don't, such is life...I'll change the "complete by date" and try again with absolutely no shame in my game regardless of what any of you might have to say about it! LOL!

If I believe in the concept of a singular purpose at all, I'd have to say it is with a caveat. I believe that if indeed we have a singular purpose in life, it must minimally be similar to the way other positive characteristics are assigned to us...things like beauty, intelligence, personality, etc. I think if indeed we each have a purpose in life, that purpose whatever it may be is not assigned to each of us to the same degree. What I mean by this is that much like physical beauty is possessed by each of us to some degree, some possess more and some possess less, purpose in my opinion probably operates much the same way. This explains to my satisfaction those people I meet on rare occasions who seem to be doing exactly what fulfills them and utilizes the gifts they possess to the utmost potential. These individuals are to purpose what Halle Berry and Dorothy Dandridge (according to many) was to the idea of black, feminine beauty. This also reinforces for me why for the majority of us for whom purpose is not so obviously an identifiable gift, spending inordinate amounts of time and energy trying to discern it might not be a sensible idea.

The take-away folks is that purpose should be a good thing in one's life. It should focus us on the creation of goals and objectives that if achieved should hopefully enrich our lives. At the same time, as it focuses us, our purpose should be flexible and capable of being adjusted, modified, or even scrapped without leaving us to feel we have failed or even worse, that we are failures. Purpose should inspire us to do great things, not convict us about the things we are doing. In too many cases, I find that those "purpose driven individuals" that I personally know are much too hard on themselves. They are often found stressing over how much of their lives have passed with them not yet having identified their purpose...or worse, they are distraught over the thought that they may never be able to fulfill the purpose they believe they have identified. So much energy focused on something that should be a positive influence in our lives and yet seems so often to be such a negative force in our lives can't be a good thing. So as a happily purposeless woman, I'd like to offer the following suggestions...

RELAX and let yourself do whatever it is that you do!

If indeed we each do have a specific singular purpose to fulfill, it will surely find us so don't stress over it. If we each have multiple purposes to fulfill, I am sure those will find us too. Even if the final verdict is that there is no such thing as purpose, that's okay too because if each of us are doing whatever it is that we do, I assure you that we will be doing what it is we are supposed to be doing and in my opinion, none of us can expect any more from ourselves than that!

So let me hear from you now...Do you believe you have a singular purpose? Have you identified it yet? Is it something you expect to be able to identify? Have you fulfilled it yet? What if you never find it...what then?

I AIN'T MISSING YOU...I Can Lie To Myself...Can't I?

Okay peeps, here's my story...

See what had happened waz I made a new friend who I like a whole, whole lot. My new friend is a guy and regardless of what y'all might be thinking right now he really is a new friend even if he does also happen to be a guy ;)

What was that? Is he a boyfriend? Are we romantically involved? The answers to these questions are as follows:

• I MET A NEW FRIEND!
• No!
• No!

However, if I am completely honest with myself, I'd have to say that there are definitely moments when I think that I'd like the answers to those last two questions to be yes and yes! As most of you know, I have recently (like in less than a year ago) gotten out of a pretty intense relationship, so based on that, I'm truly trying to take things slowly for a minute as I feel the need to regroup and find my own center again. Nevertheless, I can say that the possibilities presented by this new friendship could definitely include a romance down the line as far as I'm concerned!

Since meeting, we have spent huge amounts of time talking to each other and as of late, we've also spent a good amount of time in each other's company though no romantic liaisons have been formed. Also, it is important to note that it has only been a few days (since Sunday) that we have not talked or spent time together and I'm sure it is just a consequence of us both being busy and working opposite schedules. So what is the point of this post you ask? Simply put, it is this...spending time together and having such great (and long, on average 4-6 hours long) conversations have quickly become things I enjoy doing with him. I've already developed such a fondness for the times we share with each other that I look forward to them and when they don't occur as regularly as I'd like them to, I find that I miss them/him. I am a woman who loves consistency. I crave it like some women crave chocolate. I love forming habits that are good for me, and I'm sure that spending lots of time with this particular person is very, very good for me.

Most of y'all probably won't believe this isn't about lust...well of course there are moments when it very well might be about lust, but I swear that most of the time it is simply about wanting to spend more time doing what I have come to love doing so much...being in his presence.

So I ask y'all, under these circumstances where there is no official relationship other than a pretty cool azz developing friendship is it alright to want/wish for consistency? In the absence of a romantic liaison (even though sometimes I feel a very definite romantic spark) is it okay to miss him? If it is alright to miss him, is it alright to let him know he is missed? If it isn't alright to let him know he is missed, why isn't it? Is that playing games?, ('cause if it is, I don't do that)...Finally, if it isn't appropriate to let him know he is missed, at what point does it become okay if indeed it ever does?

I know one thing is real, whether or not it actually applies to my situation, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS SONG...both when it was originally recorded by John Waite as well as Tina's version which I am providing for y'all right here...ENJOY!

I am adding this poem to this post b/c I made a promise to a friend to publish ALL poetry that I write to publish on other blogs, somewhere on this blog TOO...

2am

The loudest quiet ever is 2am.
When you’re lying there;
eyes squeezed shut, wishing
the phone would ring. Wishing
you were not in bed alone. Wishing
2am was not so loud that it kept keeping you awake.

The brightest darkness occurs at 2am.
When dazzling light appears;
from behind your eyelids shining
so brightly you can’t sleep. Shining
the dull façade of heartache. Shining
the dark of night to the glare of noon, keeping you awake.

The most enthusiastic sadness happens at 2am.
When despair captures you;
and visits upon you its willing
victim, tears and fears. Willing
you to wallow in sorrow. Willing
you to relinquish optimism and hope while keeping you awake.

Hold on…with the morning comes renewal.

© Sharon J. All Rights Reserved 2008

Overwhelming Response to Use Me Up Post...

A quick visit to the comments section of the previous post "Ever Wish You Could Just Get USED UP?" illustrates the fact that this post sparked a very active conversation. A myriad of explanations could be given for what it was that drove so much interest, such as:

• My fellow bloggers' concerns that I might do something crazy to secure sexual satisfaction


• The fact that the post contained the words [I MISS SEX] in bright red letters


• The words sex and fantasy jumped from the page causing some confusion as to exactly what kind of blog this actually is


• Any number of plausible explanations exist.

However, having gleefully read all of the comments posted and even responded to some, I think the reason that this post generated so much interest is very simple -- on some level it struck a chord in every one of those who read it. Whether or not a particular individual agreed or disagreed with what Ms. Just Write Now was trying to communicate, each and every one felt compelled for the same reason to respond...on some level, we all relate, acknowledge, identify with, or comprehend that there are some definite concerns revolving around sex, intimacy, and relationships for folks like us.

So much of what was shared in the comments hit paydirt with me, but two commenters in particular managed to provide greater clarity and personal edification on the subject for me: Ali's Zay and CapCity. For those who remain intrigued by this conversation, I am humbly requesting that the articulate blogger Ali's Zay please pick up the thread of this tattered fabric and continue to weave a beautiful cloth of deeper understanding. After reading his eloquent comments, I for one am truly interested to read more. Secondly, I am embedding a trailer of a very interesting documentary that was provided by CapCity, one of the captivating bloggers whose acquaintance I have just recently made and on whose new blog CAPCHA U...In Luv With Life, yours truly was welcomed as a contributor. Not only does this documentary address some of the issues discussed in the "...Get USED UP" post, but it appears from the trailer to delve into many other issues that I believe many of us might be concerned about.

Both of these phenomenal bloggers have also recently published new literary works and though neither of them knows I'm even writing about them or their works in this post, I encourage anyone reading this post to check them out! You can click here to read more about the project that Ali's Zay has produced and here to find information on CapCity's endeavor. I have read excerpts from both works and immediately moved to order each book as the excerpts were exceptionally well written in my opinion, leaving me anxious to read the finished products. Do yourself a favor and check these projects out....I promise you won't regret that you did!

Now, click play to view the trailer and hopefully we can continue this at Ali's Zay's spot soon!

Ever Wish You Could Just Get USED UP?

The other day while driving to work I heard this song on the radio...



Since I was a little girl, I have had an affinity for this song. I can remember riding to school with my mother, brother, and sister and Bill Withers would come on the radio singing this song and I would sing along at the top of my lungs inside my head (as I have never been blessed with singing ablility my family members were not having me singing out loud outside my head in the car). Thinking back to those days, I don't believe I even knew what he was singing about, but I loved this song.

Well, as I drove myself to work the other day listening to this same song on the radio (and singing out loud outside my head ;) I can assure you that I knew EXACTLY what Mr. Withers was singing about and it was then that I knew that once again I had a problem...

My problem is that I miss sex...A lot!

Finding myself quite unexpectedly single yet again, I am living without sex, yet again. Not being a woman who sees casual sex as a viable option for herself for more reasons than I want to expound upon here in this post, this is simply the way things are. It is what it is. I accept that.

However...

Upon hearing Mr. Withers' soulful rendition of Use Me, I found myself fantasizing. Now don't get too excited because there will be no sharing of any good fantasies in this space..."get real people", my Mother reads this blog! What I was going to say was that I found myself wondering "What if I were a different kind of woman? What if I could get past my necessity to feel an emotional connection with a guy before feeling comfortable about sexual connections? What would it be like to be that woman?"

Right about now, the idea of "getting used up" is not such a bad thing; at least not on the surface! The idea of being more cavalier in my sexual attitudes on the other hand is driven by a deeper, underlying fear that I have felt more often than I care to acknowledge. I find myself wondering sometimes if this is an irrational fear or if it is one that other women share with me. When I consider the number of times since I first became sexually active that I have found myself for extended periods of time experiencing what I call "self-imposed celibacy" I sometimes become anxious. My anxiety revolves around the fear of one day finding that while living in one of these periods of self-imposed celibacy, my desire to have sex at all will have vanished or that I might one day find that what was optimistically expected to be just a little while has turned into the rest of my sexual lifetime. Maybe other women don't worry about this at all, but I am primarily a long-range planner and as such find it virtually impossible not to consider the long-term ramifications of most any action I take.

I know women to whom these very things have happened. I know women who are still what I consider to be young sexually speaking, who have lived without sex for decades, even scores of years during which they should have been at their sexual peak and enjoying great quantities (and if truly blessed) great quality of sex. During a time when they should be blissfully enjoying the joys of sex that come with the maturity and self-assurance that increasing age brings, these still sexually young, attractive women are seemingly standing on the sidelines and allowing their sexual primes to pass them by simply because they are not half of a committed coupledom. This seems to be especially true of many single, black women between the ages of 35 and 65. Take a moment and think about it...think of the girlfriends, co-workers, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and great-aunts in your life...I bet you too know at least one and probably more than one black woman who somehow found herself single between the ages of 35 to 45 years of age and never again having seriously connected romantically with a man remained single and without sex for the remainder of her life.

How the hell does that happen?! I don't know about you, but I don't hear of many men in this age group going for decades without sex and if on occasion I do hear of accounts where this has happened to a man, believe me you, it is an isolated occurrence. So I ask you, "Why is this such a common fact of life for so many black women?"

We all know there are many answers to this question, from the way most of us were raised, to our attempts to protect our reputations, to a fear of HIV/AIDS and other achronyms, no one has to outline for us the underlying causes of so many wasted sexual lifetimes; however, does anyone besides me wonder why this is allowed to be, and what we as black women can do differently to avoid the same fate as so many of our predecessors? Why don't our male contemporaries seem to be faced with this eventuality and how is it that they seem to be getting plenty...are they for some reason unbeknownst to me, not susceptible to the same sexual tragedies that we are? Can someone tell me how can I be down if this is the case? Or, are we black women drinking the proverbial kool-aid and in actuality brothers aren't getting any more sex than we are? Wouldn't that be terrible...finding out that NONE of us are getting any?

I don't know the answers, and most of these questions are rhetorical at best. There are no easy answers, but from where I stand as a soon to be 43 year old, single, black woman who is not getting any I will say this much...

"I will not go softly into that good night!"

I will rage against the dying of the light! I intend to do whatever is in my powers to find that special guy with whom I can establish the kind of connection I require to comfortably, willingly, and enthusiastically enter once again into a sexual relationship with total abandonment. I will find him by using

ANY MEANS NECESSARY

from having my Grandma do the quintessential "fix-up" to trying my luck on the internet. Whatever I have to do, I do not intend to "wake up" one day 10, 20, or 30 years from now on the brink of my 53rd, 63rd, or 73rd birthday and realize that since my "self-imposed celibacy" began I have not had sex for more years than the number of years I was having it before said self-imposed celibacy began. I am an attractive, desirable, intelligent, liberated, black woman who happily admits that she loves, LOVES, LOVES sex; and as such, I say to the world right here, right now

I will not quit until I find my someone special and the two of us can keep on using each other until ...

somebody gets used up!

Of course I mean that in the best possible way ;-)

Tell 'em what I'm talkin' bout D'angelo!

See What Had Happened Was....

The aftermath of the end of a serious romantic relationship is always difficult to navigate at best. From publicizing the break-up to others, to dealing with the surprise and condolences offered as the word gets around, to deciding when one is at a point that dating again makes sense, there is nothing easy about this predicament.

In the worst-case scenarios, one or both parties can't seem to stay out of each other's lives which only adds to how problematic managing this time in one's life can be. In my case, when I say goodbye to a romantic liaison, I say SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WIEDERSEHEN, GOODBYE! I typically am not the type to continue the "friendship" or meet for lunch or any of those types of things (with the exception of one case). I'm not sure why this is unless it is that though I have typically been the one to ultimately fire the bullet that put the injured horse [that was the relationship by that point] out of its misery, I was almost NEVER the one who actually wanted the relationship to end. By forcing me to end something I still wanted to flourish, many of my ex'es wrote themselves off my radar screen, just like that.

I have found that in my own dealings with the opposite sex, even when they want out of the relationship, the men in my life have been unable to simply END IT. I call it the "Good Guy Syndrome"; none of them wanted to be the bad guy, the one who ended it. Even so, most of them found no issues with coming out of the bag on me in ways that left me no choice but to call it quits; effectively avoiding being the one to break it off a.k.a. the bad guy. Nevermind that the shit they did to piss me off enough to let go was worse than simply ending it could ever have been. Yeah, as I think back now, I can not recall even one relationship that was terminated by the man with whom I was involved stepping forward and simply saying "I no longer want to be in this relationship." or any other words to that effect; not even when that was exactly what he wanted.

Anyway, I digress...
What I came here to toss around today is the idea of how long is long enough for someone [man or woman] to get over the emotional trauma caused by the break-up of a serious relationship and start dating again? AND, is it ALWAYS necessary that the individual in question take that time?

As you heard in the audio introduction to this post, one of my ex'es suggested to me a few weeks ago that I had not given myself enough time to get over the PO before considering the option of dating again. My impulse upon hearing his opinion was to tell him to "Kiss My Black Ass", but he might have been pleased by that suggestion so I opted to just get off the phone. LOL.

That was almost 3 weeks ago, but today as I sit isolated in the house with an ear infection and some really funky stuff happening with my throat as evidenced by that extremely "sexy" voice recording I left :), I got to thinking about what he'd said. I found myself wondering whether he might be right on any level or was he just being a typical hater and doing what haters do best:

HATERS HATE.

As I rolled this question over my brain cells until they were well saturated with the issue these thoughts started to take shape.

1. I suppose it could be said that there is a period of time necessary to "mourn" the death of a relationship that at one time was the primary focus in one's life.

-However, it is my opinion that only I can decide for me how long that time period needs to be. For some external force to try to dictate for me how long I should wait when that individual has no real clue of whether or not I am ready to move on, stay still, or heaven forbid even go back and re-visit what I just left behind is absolutely ridiculous.
-Furthermore, I personally don't feel that every break-up even requires a mourning period at all. I know that in some situations what is being left behind was so worthless, meaningless, and shallow that getting out of it is in many ways a relief or cause celebre'! When this is the case, the individuals leaving this train-wreck behind may be ready to become involved [maybe even seriously] immediately thereafter.

2. It seems that most people believe that it is necessary to have a significant "break" from dating following a serious break-up.

-Perhaps, but here's the thing...
I believe in carpe diem....seizing the day, though I don't believe in one single "soul mate" for each of us because I think GOD loves me much too much to make finding happiness so unlikely considering the size of the planet and the sheer numbers of people on it [but this is a post for another day huh-LOL]. Anyway, carpe diem applies in my book no matter what is going on. So imagine a situation where you have recently ended a serious relationship that was everything but good for you. Shortly thereafter, you meet someone who possesses all of the traits you value in a significant other and who wants to be good for you and to you but because of the proximity of meeting him/her to the end of your last relationship you decide that you cannot investigate what could potentially be exactly what you have been dreaming of all along. I say "To hell with that nonsense!" In my opinion, meeting someone who has the potential to make you happy and letting him/her go by because you took longer than you should have to figure out the last person you were with was not good for you is just compounding your mistake. I've said this before, but it warrants repeating again here:

Letting a person who might be capable of making you happy go by without taking the time to investigate is tantamount to being given the POWERBALL numbers the day before they are picked and deciding to wait to play them next week.

People the thing to understand is that sometimes TIMING IS EVERYTHING! So understanding that sometimes a break from dating is needed, I still say no matter what, don't forget to seize the day!!!

3. Rushing too soon into dating again or another relationship means you are on the "rebound".

-Maybe, maybe not. It is that simple. The key is to make sure that whatever you went through that led to the break-up has been as fully resolved as possible. The fallacy in waiting for "total resolution" of previous issues is that most of us never completely resolve the issues with which we are confronted. Sometimes we don't even know what the issue was that led to the demise of the relationship because we were blind-sided by a partner who seemed to do an about-face for no clear and apparent reason. In those cases, I believe the best we can possibly hope for is that we are able to accept the end of the relationship and take the fact that we don't truly understand the how or the why in stride. I have known people who when faced with this situation have spent unimagineable amounts of time just trying to figure it out. Sometimes, (and please understand that this is only sometimes) the thing to understand is that sometimes you don't get to understand much if anything and sooner or later it is time to just move on. Time is not promised and as such should never be wasted.

-The other point to keep in mind here is that you should never feel you have to explain or justify to anyone other than yourself your readiness to step back into dating. I have heard so many people explaining all that they have done to "get their heads together" or why it is "not too soon to be dating again"; when in actuality those things are no one else's business but their own! In my opinion, it is not for me or anyone else to question another's readiness to "get back on the horse" so to speak. So to those of you who find yourself explaining AND those who find yourselves criticizing....STOP!

So if you haven't figured it out yet, my perspective is what it always is...DO YOU! Whatever that is; and you can best be assured that I'm gonna DO ME!

Don't forget, I want to know what you think, what your typical death of a relationship mourning time period is, and when you decide to get back in the game how you go about it....ease in, jump in with two feet and sink up to your neck, or dive in head first and let it flow!

Do I Know You???

There is a curly-head LURKER out there who has been waiting for this post for many days now so I hope it is all that she hoped it would be!!!! YOU know who you are LURKER!

You see, the LURKER was the inspiration behind this post. I have known her since she was a young girl still in high school and though almost 20 years separate us in age, she is one of my dearest friends and as close to having a daughter as I am ever likely to come it seems. Even so, it occurred to me that I might very well be her best friend. This struck me as somewhat odd considering the difference in our ages, and I found myself wondering if I was right or not regarding the role I play in her life and this thought led me to an even bigger thought....as well as I believe I know her, maybe I really don't know her at all.

I was thrown into a bit of a tizzy as I thought this thought. I realized that even though I've always felt that she and I were extremely close and in some ways we are, suddenly it became clear to me that there are some definite GAPS in what I know about her. Now I know many of you are thinking, "There goes Ms. Just Write Now losing her mind 'cause she ain't all up in somebody's bizness." Though I will admit to a bit of nosiness, I assure you all that that is not the case in this situation. As I thought about my sister/daughter/friend I was astonished to realize that since she graduated college and moved to DC, I know very little about her new life. For instance, I don't know who her friends are and I always knew before. I don't know even who her BEST FRIEND is and considering the nature of our relationship, I find this unacceptable.

She and I spoke last week about this and other things that I no longer know about her, and she too was a bit taken aback to realize how much our relationship and the way we interact has changed. At one point, if she had decided to run away from home, I would have been the person who could have told you why she left, where she would go, and to whom she would turn for assistance. I was shocked to realize at this point that I MIGHT be able to give a motive but might be hard-pressed to do that even.

As I thought about this as it relates to others with whom I have significant relationships, I realized that in just about every case, there are HUGE gaps in how well I know people I love. Therefore, I have resolved this year to really and truly strive to know better those I care about. I will make the effort to become a real part of their lives. I will include them more deeply in my life. I will learn their truest self and share parts of my true self that they might not know exist. Above all else, I will no longer be content with the superficiality that I have allowed to define my relationships.

For some this will be a welcome change. For others it may feel like an invasion of privacy! For me, it will move me one step closer to being the person I want to be: One who is truly engaged and actively participating FULLY in the blessing of life!

THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!

If I can't trust me....who can I trust?

My heart is heavy y'all. It is almost 12:30am and I should be sleep because very shortly I have to be on the road for the lovely Mecca better known as Bettendorf, Iowa where Ms. Just Write Now will be working tomorrow for a colleague who is out on medical leave. This means that Ms. Just Write Now will have to be up and in her car for the four hour drive in less than six hours and what is she doing instead of sleeping? She is up writing this meaningless post because right now, Ms. Just Write Now feels anything but Just RIGHT Now.


I know that when one ends a relationship, they can expect some good days and some bad. That is not the problem. The real problem is that I have always been a person who relies on her ability to "read" people. I've always been confident in my ability to determine when someone has my best interests at heart and when they don't; subsequently enabling me to act accordingly in my dealings with that individual. So as I try to navigate my way through the emotional ups and downs of this break-up, I find myself also having to come to terms with the discovery that I may not be as good a judge of the character of others as I have always believed myself to be. This is difficult enough to handle when the person who betrays you is new in your life; however, when it comes from someone you've known, loved, and trusted for half of your life, it is a devastating blow let me tell you.


In my 42 plus years on the planet, I have managed to learn something from just about every situation I have found myself in; thereby making even the negative experiences worthwhile. I have prided myself on not allowing these "negative" experiences to embitter me. That has always been a goal of mine, to always "DO ME" regardless of what I am dealing with or receiving from others. I am trying my best to hold on to that right now, but a HUGE part of me wants to try "DOING A NEW ME", a me who would not take this in stride and who would strike back. I'm hurting pretty badly at this particular moment, and though I know it will pass [and knowing me pretty quickly], right now I need some peace or minimally to at least fantasize about returning the favor that has been bestowed upon me....


I know and love GOD and I know HE is there watching over me. I also know that GOD helps those who help themselves, and this is what I am desperately trying to do....help myself. So if anyone can answer this question without suggesting I lean on my faith or GOD's wisdom because those are a given, I would appreciate it more than I will ever be able to demonstrate:

"What do you do when you are left feeling you can't truly trust your own judgement?"

People Who Need People

Today has been a hard day. It is the PO's birthday, and all I want is to be with him.

Trying not to allow myself to slip too far into the sadness I feel about the current state of things between us, I did everything I could to stay busy and not spend too much time alone today. This morning I attended Ryan's football team's pre-season scrimmage which was a lot of fun. Following that, I took my Mom and sister to brunch and hung out with them into the late afternoon. Then I came home where Ryan and I lounged around the house doing not much of nothing.

Nevertheless, I found myself home alone tonight when Ryan left to attend a Rams pre-season game with some of his buddies. Gradually, I lost my tenuous footing and began to descend once again into the emptiness I've been engulfed in lately. Things were getting really, really bad, and then it came to me...I needed somehow to get in touch with myself. I needed to be reminded of who I am and who I want to be. Pondering this thought for awhile, I finally remembered where I could go to get myself together and so I went here!

Believe me when I tell you that reading this again HEALED MY SOUL! Right now, I am feeling as Just Right as I have felt in a long time and I have the ORIGINAL ORIGINAL OLDGIRL to thank for it.

OG I wrote in your comments long ago that you actually SEE me. Then I was thrilled by it, and NOW, I am so blessed by it, because by seeing me the way I used to see myself, you have helped me to see and believe what I will be again.

If you don't already know you better ask somebody, YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS!!!

Enough?

How much of what happens to you is your fault? If we are the captains of our own ships and the masters of our own destinies, then who is to blame when our ships run ashore or we arrive at the last place on earth we ever wanted to be?

I believe in Karma. I believe that you will pretty much get out of the world what you send into the world. For the most part, this is not a bad thing because it keeps me cognizant of how I treat those I come in contact with. I work hard to be kind, to be considerate, to pay attention to the needs of others. In the words of the late June Carter-Cash, I spend a lot of time just trying to matter.

When good things happen to us, most of us accept them as par for the course. We sit back and "let the good times roll" as if we in some way are entitled to the good things coming our way. I find this way of thinking acceptable because I believe in karma. However, I find it funny that many, [maybe even most] of us almost injure ourselves as we pat ourselves on the back congratulationg ourselves on having "earned" the good things we are enjoying only to lament our misfortune while moaning "Why me?", when the bad things show up.

The problem is, that karma is NOT just about good things. This being the case, why do we not accept personal responsibility when things in our lives are not so great? Why is it that when things fall apart, what is happening in our lives is no longer a consequence of our own actions; at least not in our own minds?

I find it very difficult to subscribe to both of these trains of thought. In my opinion, if I can take credit for the good things that occur in my life, then conversely, I must accept at least some of the blame for the bad. Claiming responsibility for the good but not the bad is like claiming "partial paternity".

Right now I am dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever personally had to face. Intellectually speaking, it would be easy to convince myself that the position I currently find myself in is not my own fault. I could very easily point fingers and most of those who love me would agree that I am not responsible for the way things are turning out right now. However, I can't go along with this even though in some ways it would make what I am going through easier. I can't go along with this thought process because even though I feel I have done everything I could to change the situation, I still feel that I have in some way fallen short of what I should have done or could have done. I've always had major issues with giving up on anything too soon; in many ways, I think giving up too soon is worse than not ever trying at all. Also, I can't help but flip the script to a scenario in which the final outcome is positive and when I do, I realize that if indeed a positive outcome had actually been the case, I would whole-heartedly accept responsibility for that being so.

Additionally, believing in karma as I do [whether it is good or bad], I find myself wondering what the hell I did that was so bad that I subsequently deserve the pain of my current situation? I find myself thinking of that movie "Defending Your Life" as I replay my own life trying to discover exactly when and where I went so terribly, terribly wrong. I want to find everyone I might ever have caused any kind of pain and apologize to them in an attempt to correct my own karma. Unfortunately, karma just doesn't work like that...does it? (Sharon asked with her fingers crossed and the slightest glimmer of hope sparkling in her eyes.)

So here I am, trying to figure it all out. I am a spiritual person but not a religious person. Those in my inner circle who are religious talk about "letting GOD order my steps". I thought that was what I was doing. It always throws me how "religious" friends see GOD all up in the middle of everything as long as things are good, and the minute things get shaky they tell you that the problem is that you are trying to order your own steps. I always wonder just when it was that the driver of this vehicle switched.

At this point, I am bewildered. I am adrift in the ocean, and though I am a good swimmer, I have no life jacket, I am tired, and there is no land in sight. There is no real point to this post, and no real conclusion except that I just wish someone could please tell me, when do you know you have truly done enough and how the hell does one ever know for sure?

Short and Sweet

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to gain more experience with the craft of writing. After more than a year, I am proud to say I have learned some things. One of the things I have learned, is that I am LONG-WINDED.

If you know me personally, you already know that this particular trait doesn't only apply to my writing! That notwithstanding, I have decided to dedicated myself to posting more posts that are short and sweet in an attempt to hone my skills.

This is not to say that there will be no more "typical" Ms. Just Write Now rants....I don't have that much self control. However, I will be making the effort to post more frequent, shorter posts and see what happens.

The journey begins....

Unused Gifts....Got Any?

Ever received a gift you loved....but then never used? I'm wondering if this is a phenomenon that happens to us all because I know it has happened to me more than once. It is Christmas time or your birthday, and someone you know presents you with a beautifully wrapped package. Upon opening it, you exclaim with wonder because somehow they have managed to get you exactly what you wanted. Why then is it that you somehow never got around to using it?

Maybe it was a blouse or other article of clothing that was too dressy for your regular life and you simply didn't get invited to spend any time in Oprah's life. Maybe it was something you always wanted to try like a class in pilates or weight training but you just never got around to it because you just couldn't find the time. Or maybe, like me you're just a big old procrastinator who simply put off using your treasure for much longer than you ever intended until you forgot you had even received it. Whatever the reason, I was thinking about the giver of the gift and how they would feel if they knew that you had not/ were not/ are not enjoying your perfect gift. I imagine there would be some sense of disappointment, and at least a little bit of the "why don't you just spit in my eye" sensation.

In my opinion, this situation is very analogous to how GOD must feel about unused potential.

I think most would agree that potential is a gift from GOD, so when we fail to live up to our potential or worse yet, don't even make the effort to reach our potential, in my opinion it is much like spitting in the eye of GOD.

I am a lover of potential, in myself and in others. I seek it out. I encourage its development and do whatever I can to nurture and nourish it when I encounter it. This is a good thing......except when it is not.

As a woman whose deepest desire since forever has been to be one-half of a great relationship [and maybe even a great marriage one day], my affinity for looking for potential in others has not necessarily worked in my favor. Potential can be a tricky thing especially in the arena of relationships, because what it is in a sense, is the promise of things yet to come. It is today's fantasy of what tomorrow's reality MIGHT be.

Black women who are single and successful in their chosen fields and over the age of 40 often get a bad reputation for being unwilling to "give a brotha a chance". We are often accused of "chasing the white collars" or worse yet, "chasing the white boys". I can only speak for myself when I say that this assessment is completely off the mark when it comes to most of the black women I know [including myself].

When I meet a brother and take my "inventory" of what he has to offer compared to what is on my "list" of what I'd like in a mate, I often make allowances based on a brother's potential for things that might currently be "missing". Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking "earning potential" here as the only monetary requirement I have is that the brother be handling his as I am handling mine, then together we can surely manage to handle ours. When I speak about making allowances based on potential, I'm thinking of situations such as the brother who is not very worldly who I can see in the future broadening his horizons, or the individual who isn't great at verbalizing his feelings but who through his actions demonstrates a kind and caring nature; even the brother who finds it difficult to stay level-headed when angry and thus can't truly have a constructive disagreement without requiring a "cool down" period. These are the kinds of things I typically make allowances for in the hope that I can help them get to their potential in these areas.

What I have learned so far though is that this probably is NOT the way to go. There is a definite shelf-life on potential, and as they say, "old dogs and new tricks don't mix". Unfortunately I am finding that if a brotha has reached the ripe, old age of forty-eleven and still is not in the neighborhood of his potential per his own assessment, it is most likely a destination he will never reach. Worse even, someway, somehow I always seem to end up [at least in his mind] being the reason his trip was aborted even if I just arrived on the scene only a short while ago. I'm guessing the same thing applies in reverse for the brothers out there; however, you guys very rarely get accused of "chasing white collars" even though "chasing white gurls" is a whole 'nother post :)

The long and short of it is that we single, successful, sistas over forty are trying our best to work with the brothas. On behalf of all of us, I'm asking that the brothas please try to work with themselves and stop hating on us if you choose not to.

Before he sends us to our lives here on earth, GOD loads us up with gifts. Some are obvious like a beautiful smile, great personality, and natural talents such as the ability to sing, dance, or excel at sports. Others are less obvious, and require some effort on our part to become obvious; but believe me when I say that these "not so obvious" gifts are no less valuable. As a matter of fact, I believe that GOD expects more from us when it comes to the kind of gifts represented by potential because it is one of the few opportunities we get while here on earth to actually be involved in a direct partnership with GOD.

So here's to hoping you are allowing your partnerships with GOD and with each other to flourish by way of maximizing your potential; I know I am working as hard as I can on mine.