To Have vs. To Have Not

Don't worry folks its just me.....

I'm feeling the need to do a little rambling today so bear with me and weigh in if you feel so inclined.

Sometimes giving up something you hoped for is harder than giving up something you actually have. Ever noticed that? I'm not sure why that is, but I know it is true. Why is that the case I wonder? I have some theories.

Wanna hear 'em? Here they go....

Things that are hoped for but not actually realized may be more difficult to "lose" because when they are lost, one loses more than just that thing. The potential of all that might have come with that thing is also lost. The fantasy of finally having what one wants and the impact of having realized that desire is lost. Last but not least, the tangible thrill of getting what one wants and watching what comes with it unfold is lost.

In contrast, when one loses something they actually have, they lose only that thing, whatever it may be. Not to devalue the feelings of loss one in this position experiences, but I submit that those feelings may not be as potent as losing something that was hoped for because the potential of having had that thing has actually been realized. The fantasy of possessing that thing has been one's reality and the impact is therefore self-evident. The tangible thrill of ownership though now replaced by the pain of loss, has still been experienced. Understanding that this is a very simplistic evaluation of losing something one actually once possessed, I still land at the conclusion that one doesn't necessarily lose as much when losing something they have as they do when they lose something they hoped to have. Thoughts?

The Mechanics Of Passion

Lately I've been feeling a bit aimless.

I'm not sure what the root of my rootlessness is, though some might say it is the fact that the love of my life, my only child Ryan has recently graduated high school. Maybe those individuals would be right in their assessment of my situation though in my heart of hearts, I would beg to differ.

No, I truly don't feel that Ryan's rapid movement towards the world of adult independence has anything to do with my own rootlessness; I think it is something much more intrinsic to me personally. I think my issue is a severe and debilitating lack of passion, or minimally a deficiency in the tools necessary to handle the mechanics required to bring my passions to the surface.

I know what you're thinking: "What the hell is this sistah talking about now?" Let me explain. I know without a doubt that I am a woman of incredibly intense passions. However, currently I don't seem to be able to tap into any of the things towards which I feel passion. For instance, I am passionate about writing but I can't figure out what to write about. Thus, I don't write. This is not good folks and it is but one example of my recently passionless existence!

Now before y'all start getting all worried about your girl, let me assure you that I AM FINE. I am NOT depressed, nor do I feel discouraged. I am simply at one of those junctures in life when a little external inspiration will do a body good ;)

So help your sistah out...How do you manage the mechanics of tapping into your passions (whatever they are) when the flow is not what it once was? How do you find fresh and new ways to motivate yourself to pursue dreams and fantasies you rarely even find yourself dreaming or fantasizing about anymore? All suggestions, tips, and anecdotal information will be greatly appreciated and in the meantime, I will keep on keeping on as Gladys Knight sang because as y'all know, that's what I do!

If I can't trust me....who can I trust?

My heart is heavy y'all. It is almost 12:30am and I should be sleep because very shortly I have to be on the road for the lovely Mecca better known as Bettendorf, Iowa where Ms. Just Write Now will be working tomorrow for a colleague who is out on medical leave. This means that Ms. Just Write Now will have to be up and in her car for the four hour drive in less than six hours and what is she doing instead of sleeping? She is up writing this meaningless post because right now, Ms. Just Write Now feels anything but Just RIGHT Now.


I know that when one ends a relationship, they can expect some good days and some bad. That is not the problem. The real problem is that I have always been a person who relies on her ability to "read" people. I've always been confident in my ability to determine when someone has my best interests at heart and when they don't; subsequently enabling me to act accordingly in my dealings with that individual. So as I try to navigate my way through the emotional ups and downs of this break-up, I find myself also having to come to terms with the discovery that I may not be as good a judge of the character of others as I have always believed myself to be. This is difficult enough to handle when the person who betrays you is new in your life; however, when it comes from someone you've known, loved, and trusted for half of your life, it is a devastating blow let me tell you.


In my 42 plus years on the planet, I have managed to learn something from just about every situation I have found myself in; thereby making even the negative experiences worthwhile. I have prided myself on not allowing these "negative" experiences to embitter me. That has always been a goal of mine, to always "DO ME" regardless of what I am dealing with or receiving from others. I am trying my best to hold on to that right now, but a HUGE part of me wants to try "DOING A NEW ME", a me who would not take this in stride and who would strike back. I'm hurting pretty badly at this particular moment, and though I know it will pass [and knowing me pretty quickly], right now I need some peace or minimally to at least fantasize about returning the favor that has been bestowed upon me....


I know and love GOD and I know HE is there watching over me. I also know that GOD helps those who help themselves, and this is what I am desperately trying to do....help myself. So if anyone can answer this question without suggesting I lean on my faith or GOD's wisdom because those are a given, I would appreciate it more than I will ever be able to demonstrate:

"What do you do when you are left feeling you can't truly trust your own judgement?"

Enough?

How much of what happens to you is your fault? If we are the captains of our own ships and the masters of our own destinies, then who is to blame when our ships run ashore or we arrive at the last place on earth we ever wanted to be?

I believe in Karma. I believe that you will pretty much get out of the world what you send into the world. For the most part, this is not a bad thing because it keeps me cognizant of how I treat those I come in contact with. I work hard to be kind, to be considerate, to pay attention to the needs of others. In the words of the late June Carter-Cash, I spend a lot of time just trying to matter.

When good things happen to us, most of us accept them as par for the course. We sit back and "let the good times roll" as if we in some way are entitled to the good things coming our way. I find this way of thinking acceptable because I believe in karma. However, I find it funny that many, [maybe even most] of us almost injure ourselves as we pat ourselves on the back congratulationg ourselves on having "earned" the good things we are enjoying only to lament our misfortune while moaning "Why me?", when the bad things show up.

The problem is, that karma is NOT just about good things. This being the case, why do we not accept personal responsibility when things in our lives are not so great? Why is it that when things fall apart, what is happening in our lives is no longer a consequence of our own actions; at least not in our own minds?

I find it very difficult to subscribe to both of these trains of thought. In my opinion, if I can take credit for the good things that occur in my life, then conversely, I must accept at least some of the blame for the bad. Claiming responsibility for the good but not the bad is like claiming "partial paternity".

Right now I am dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever personally had to face. Intellectually speaking, it would be easy to convince myself that the position I currently find myself in is not my own fault. I could very easily point fingers and most of those who love me would agree that I am not responsible for the way things are turning out right now. However, I can't go along with this even though in some ways it would make what I am going through easier. I can't go along with this thought process because even though I feel I have done everything I could to change the situation, I still feel that I have in some way fallen short of what I should have done or could have done. I've always had major issues with giving up on anything too soon; in many ways, I think giving up too soon is worse than not ever trying at all. Also, I can't help but flip the script to a scenario in which the final outcome is positive and when I do, I realize that if indeed a positive outcome had actually been the case, I would whole-heartedly accept responsibility for that being so.

Additionally, believing in karma as I do [whether it is good or bad], I find myself wondering what the hell I did that was so bad that I subsequently deserve the pain of my current situation? I find myself thinking of that movie "Defending Your Life" as I replay my own life trying to discover exactly when and where I went so terribly, terribly wrong. I want to find everyone I might ever have caused any kind of pain and apologize to them in an attempt to correct my own karma. Unfortunately, karma just doesn't work like that...does it? (Sharon asked with her fingers crossed and the slightest glimmer of hope sparkling in her eyes.)

So here I am, trying to figure it all out. I am a spiritual person but not a religious person. Those in my inner circle who are religious talk about "letting GOD order my steps". I thought that was what I was doing. It always throws me how "religious" friends see GOD all up in the middle of everything as long as things are good, and the minute things get shaky they tell you that the problem is that you are trying to order your own steps. I always wonder just when it was that the driver of this vehicle switched.

At this point, I am bewildered. I am adrift in the ocean, and though I am a good swimmer, I have no life jacket, I am tired, and there is no land in sight. There is no real point to this post, and no real conclusion except that I just wish someone could please tell me, when do you know you have truly done enough and how the hell does one ever know for sure?

Just Exhaling....525600 Minutes Later

Under normal circumstances, the PO does not routinely read this blog. Occasionally I send him the link when I have written something I want him to see. I will not be sending a link today because though these are probably the things I should be saying to him, I don't think I can without my intent being misconstrued. If by chance you do ever read this my love I hope you will absorb it in the spirit that it was written; not as an accusation or condemnation but as a way of relieving my mind of some weighty issues that I did not know what else to do with.


I need to talk. I need to clear my head. That is not what this blog is usually used for, but right now I need to talk but I don't want to talk to anyone directly. I just need to say some things that are on my mind that I can't or don't want to actually say out loud to anyone. I just want to say them.

I am in love. I know it without a doubt. It is not something I question because every single cell in my body is over-stimulated with the force of the feelings I have for my PO. At 42, this relationship has me feeling like a teenager. The sheer intensity of it scares the hell out of me, and that doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the emotional roller coaster I am riding right now. If one could graph a curve representing the emotional highs and lows I have experienced over the last year, neither the peaks nor the valleys could possibly be charted. It makes me dizzy. I am constantly trying to get my equilibrium in check.

On one hand, this is a great thing. It is so passionate and I get to feel everything I feel to the maximum level; so when things are good, it is exhilerating. On the other hand, when things are not good, it is exhausting. Right now, things are not good. I keep thinking of the phrase "trying to sleep in the bed you made", and I wonder if that is what I am doing, trying. Please don't get me wrong, I don't have any hesitation about sleeping in this bed as I didn't make it by mistake, I intended to make it; however, I just find myself wondering if this is "the bed" I am supposed to be sleeping in. I wonder if a couple that is "right" for each other would have to try to sleep in the bed they made. The problem is that I know what I want, and he is it; nevertheless, I wonder often if I am really what he wants?

I'll say it again so that there is no confusion: I love my PO. I have no questions about his rightness for me; I just wonder if I am the right woman for him.

As I think back over my relationship history, I recognize the fact that I have not often if ever considered whether or not I was right for the person with whom I was involved; I have only taken into consideration whether or not he was what I believed I wanted/needed. For the most part, that has been my perspective in this relationship as well. Now, I find myself trying to understand what it is he needs? What does he want? Am I the woman who can provide those things? I can't answer these questions because I am not sure I know what he wants or needs; I'm not sure he knows for sure right now. The thing is that as my PO and I try to navigate the process of combining our individual lives into a joint one, I am beginning to see things in myself that I know I can't change and that he doesn't necessarily embrace. The reverse holds true as well, and subsequently, issues arise due to miscommunication, unspoken expectations, and baggage from previous relationships. Though we work hard at finding the middle ground on these issues, I feel that for some of these issues there really is no middle ground. I'm alright with this because I CHOSE to commit myself to my PO understanding and EXPECTING him to come with "imperfections" some of which would never go away or even improve. I am not sure that my PO operates from the same perspective, as he seems to be willing to throw in the towel a lot more easily than I am comfortable with.

I find myself wondering why that is and what it means. Does it imply that I love him more than he does me? Am I more committed to the relationship? Am I more invested and consequently do I have more to lose? OR, am I living in a fantasy land of "trying to sleep in the bed I made" while he is living in the reality of "life without rose-colored glasses"? Is what I deem "commitment" really just an excuse not to deal with a situation that may have run its course? What can I discern from his "call it quits" attitude if anything? AND, am I over-analyzing everything or is this just another of the basic differences between us?

I talk a lot. I know this; those of you who know me and those of you who don't actually know me personally know this. This is not something that is likely to change and I know better than to even consider trying to curb the impulse. I am a person who has very definite ideas and opinions about every thing and I make decisions relatively quickly. I know what I want, and don't hesitate letting others know what I want. I don't often find myself second-guessing myself and am typically ready to move to the next thing pretty quickly. I don't get angry easily or often, and when my anger flares, it passes quickly. I don't prolong anger. I don't wallow in it. I don't hold grudges. I have been accused of being confrontational, and I don't deny that I am. However, my tendency is to confront the issue whatever it is and move on. I am very open about myself, my feelings, and my life. I love hard. I CHOOSE to love those I love. When I CHOOSE to love someone, everything I am and have is invested into that love. When love doesn't work out the way I hoped it would I am annihilated. This is who I am.

I know my PO loves me. I know he cares about me. I just am not sure he can love some of the many parts of me that make me the me that I am. Thus, it is not my characteristics that make me question my suitability as a mate for my PO; it is his response to these parts of me that are not very likely to undergo significant change that cause me to wonder if I am the right woman for him. I know that I am ALL IN as far as this relationship goes. I am totally committed to my PO and us having a life together. I have CHOSEN this man with all of his imperfections. I am content to let some disagreements and/or dissatisfactions go unresolved indefinitely because my need to just be with this man is stronger than my need to resolve every issue that we have. I hope he feels the same, but sometimes I think people stick because of a self-imposed obligation they feel. Sometimes I think people move too fast for themselves and then try to stay the course out of fear of hurting someone they care about. I hope this is not the case, but I wonder. If he were to tell me that this is the case, I would love him and myself enough to let him go. I would be annihilated, but I would do it.

I know he loves me, he tells me all the time. I wonder though if he loves me enough. I wonder if he loves me enough to accept that I love him and with him is the only place I really want to be. I wonder if he loves me enough to hang on to me through whatever shows up on our horizon and to never let go. I wonder if he loves me enough to try to comfort or support me during my times of need even when those times occur on the same day that I have made him so angry he feels like he wants to explode. I wonder if he wants me and wants to be with me in the all-consuming, can't think, can't breathe way I want to be with him. I wonder if what he feels for me is strong enough to allow him to override his cynicism about women and relationships in general and accept that I am only interested in what is best for the both of us. I wonder if [in spite of whatever his pessimistic nature might be telling him] he can love me enough to accept that I have only one agenda and it is not hidden: to be with him.

Then again, I wonder if he cares enough about both of us to get out of this relationship if it is not what he truly wants.