Enough?

How much of what happens to you is your fault? If we are the captains of our own ships and the masters of our own destinies, then who is to blame when our ships run ashore or we arrive at the last place on earth we ever wanted to be?

I believe in Karma. I believe that you will pretty much get out of the world what you send into the world. For the most part, this is not a bad thing because it keeps me cognizant of how I treat those I come in contact with. I work hard to be kind, to be considerate, to pay attention to the needs of others. In the words of the late June Carter-Cash, I spend a lot of time just trying to matter.

When good things happen to us, most of us accept them as par for the course. We sit back and "let the good times roll" as if we in some way are entitled to the good things coming our way. I find this way of thinking acceptable because I believe in karma. However, I find it funny that many, [maybe even most] of us almost injure ourselves as we pat ourselves on the back congratulationg ourselves on having "earned" the good things we are enjoying only to lament our misfortune while moaning "Why me?", when the bad things show up.

The problem is, that karma is NOT just about good things. This being the case, why do we not accept personal responsibility when things in our lives are not so great? Why is it that when things fall apart, what is happening in our lives is no longer a consequence of our own actions; at least not in our own minds?

I find it very difficult to subscribe to both of these trains of thought. In my opinion, if I can take credit for the good things that occur in my life, then conversely, I must accept at least some of the blame for the bad. Claiming responsibility for the good but not the bad is like claiming "partial paternity".

Right now I am dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever personally had to face. Intellectually speaking, it would be easy to convince myself that the position I currently find myself in is not my own fault. I could very easily point fingers and most of those who love me would agree that I am not responsible for the way things are turning out right now. However, I can't go along with this even though in some ways it would make what I am going through easier. I can't go along with this thought process because even though I feel I have done everything I could to change the situation, I still feel that I have in some way fallen short of what I should have done or could have done. I've always had major issues with giving up on anything too soon; in many ways, I think giving up too soon is worse than not ever trying at all. Also, I can't help but flip the script to a scenario in which the final outcome is positive and when I do, I realize that if indeed a positive outcome had actually been the case, I would whole-heartedly accept responsibility for that being so.

Additionally, believing in karma as I do [whether it is good or bad], I find myself wondering what the hell I did that was so bad that I subsequently deserve the pain of my current situation? I find myself thinking of that movie "Defending Your Life" as I replay my own life trying to discover exactly when and where I went so terribly, terribly wrong. I want to find everyone I might ever have caused any kind of pain and apologize to them in an attempt to correct my own karma. Unfortunately, karma just doesn't work like that...does it? (Sharon asked with her fingers crossed and the slightest glimmer of hope sparkling in her eyes.)

So here I am, trying to figure it all out. I am a spiritual person but not a religious person. Those in my inner circle who are religious talk about "letting GOD order my steps". I thought that was what I was doing. It always throws me how "religious" friends see GOD all up in the middle of everything as long as things are good, and the minute things get shaky they tell you that the problem is that you are trying to order your own steps. I always wonder just when it was that the driver of this vehicle switched.

At this point, I am bewildered. I am adrift in the ocean, and though I am a good swimmer, I have no life jacket, I am tired, and there is no land in sight. There is no real point to this post, and no real conclusion except that I just wish someone could please tell me, when do you know you have truly done enough and how the hell does one ever know for sure?