Countdowns

Right now, my life seems to be all about waiting. Waiting for things to happen. Now mind you, the things I am waiting for are all great things, but still, waiting is waiting is waiting and I have never been a fan of the activity.

As those of you who come here regularly already know, the love of my life graduated high school earlier this summer. No, I am not a cradle-robber....well, technically I have been before and might be again but that's a story for another post (LOL!). No, for those of you just crawling out of your caves, the love of my life thus far is my son Ryan.

Ryan will be leaving for his freshman year at college this month. The countdown has begun, leaving just ten (10) short days between now and the beginning of his real life on August 13th 2008; a life in which the metaphysical unbilical cord that has kept us connected for the past almost 19 years will finally be severed for all time, propelling him into a separate and independent future all his own.

I'm holding up pretty well all things considered. After all, Ryan is my only biological child though my other son, Tony holds as definitive a place in my heart as does Ryan. Thanks to Tony, ( the only child of my ex-ex-ex fiance (a.k.a. Triple-X), yes, we were engaged THREE times ;) I have experience at this "send your son to college thing", and I know I can do it. That doesn't change the fact that it will be completely surreal getting used to the idea of my baby MAN not coming home every night.

I find myself wondering how long it will take before I can sleep through the night without activating my "mother hearing" to listen for the door opening and closing letting me know that Ryan is safe and sound in his mother's home.

I know without a doubt that some things I'll never get used to....like not having my 265 pound, 6 foot two inch baby MAN crawl up into the other side of the King-sized bed in which I sleep to tell me about his Saturday night escapades once he wakes up on Sunday mornings after having just found his way home a few short hours before. Without question, I know I will miss for an eternity the times when he and I sit for hours on quiet rainy or snowy weekends alternating between sleep and watching / dissing each other's taste in TV and movies until by some act of supreme will we find something on the boob-tube that suits both of our tastes. Most of all, I know there will never come a day that I will get used to entire days in which my amazing baby MAN does not knock on my bedroom door to ask if I will be disturbed by his playing the piano. I have long been amazed that he could ever believe the sound of him playing the piano could ever disturb me when next to his childhood giggle, it is the most awesome sound I've ever heard. Wanna hear it, here it go...


Ryan playing one of his original compositions

How am I ever supposed to get used to not hearing that wonderful sound around the house everyday? My son is a veritable genious and if you don't believe me, know this, he composed that piece he was playing AND taught himself to play the piano by ear AND DOES NOT READ MUSIC EVEN NOW! It is only one of his multiple talents, and I am constantly trying to figure out from where does he get this seemingly bottomless pool he possesses that is the source from which all of these amazing artistic talents spring?

Well, the countdown clock is ticking away, and in less than two weeks the love of my life and I will trail each other in separate cars to Illinois where I will help him to get situated in his dorm room with his new room mate. Then we will hit up the local Wally World to get the knicks and the knacks that will turn his new space into a surrogate for home. Finally, I'll stock him up on all his favorite "dorm-appropriate" foods and take he and his roomie out for dinner and then with as much decorum and composure as I can muster, I will turn my physical back and walk away from my baby MAN without looking back....though ONLY my physical back will be turned and a single, solitary wimper or snap of my baby MAN's fingers will bring me back to him in a flash because as I hope all y'all already know, THAT'S JUST WHAT GOOD MAMAS DO!!!

The other major event that I am waiting for is not scheduled to happen until November 21st, 2008. That is the day that me and 30 or so of my beloved friends and family members [including my amazing baby MAN] set off on the vacation of a lifetime. Do you know how many days there are between then and now? Wanna know? Now you do....

MySpace Countdown ClocksMan, can somebody please help me get through all of this waiting?! :-)

Sometimes Long-term Gratification Arrives Sooner Than You Think!

Two weeks or so ago, my son Ryan took me on the most fabulous date of my life; we went to his high school's annual Mom Prom. During this amazing once in a lifetime event, I was presented with a letter my son had written to me. This letter was so amazing that it made me cry as I read it because it was proof positive that much of what I hoped I had taught my son had been absorbed. For the first time in his life, I was able to see that my child indeed had a sensitivity for what it has taken on my part to raise him. Here is what his letter to me said:

Dear Mom,

I wanted to write this letter to thank you for all of the wonderful things you have done for me during my high school career. I really appreciated you giving me the opportunity to go to a school as great as CBC and, even more, I appreciate the many sacrifices you have made to keep me here. You have made financial sacrifices and donated countless hours of your time for not only my academics but my extra-curricular activities as well. Sacrifices this large take not only patience but love and I'd like to thank you for being patient with me and loving me through my high school experience regardless of how hard things may have been at times. I will never forget the sacrifices you have made for me and I plan on passing on the same love and patience when I have kids. Thank you for everything.

Your son,
Ryan

As they say, turnabout is fair play, so on Friday, March 21st when I received a letter from Ryan's school explaining to me that he would be participating in an overnight retreat for seniors at his school on Monday April 14th and asking me to write a letter to my son in which I should say whatever it was that I felt I wanted to say to him at this juncture in his life I jumped at the chance. I was asked to keep the letter a secret from my son and deliver or mail it to his school so that it could be given to him during the overnight retreat. As you can see by the two JPEG files of the actual letter I wrote to my son, I was able to create a watermark using his baby pictures. Since the text in the pictures is probably not legible to the average eye, I have pasted the actual text of the letter below with my son's permission. Keep in mind that since I am 25 years older than my son, I had a bit more to say! ;)

April 13, 2008

Dear Ryan,

I love you.

The day we left home to drive to Nebraska for Easter, I received a letter from CBC asking me to secretly write this letter to you and send it to the school so it could be given to you now during your senior retreat (remember Mom Prom? Turnabout is fair play they say ;). I started working on the letter the next day and only finished it this past weekend because there are so many things I want to say to you that I found it hard to put into words. The most important thing, I have already said but will say again because it is always worth repeating: “I love you”.

I can remember the day you were born and every second of your life with me since so clearly that when I look at you now, I am stunned to see the man you have become. This man seems so far removed from the happy, handsome little boy with the chubby arms that were constantly wrapped around my neck as he whispered “I love you Mommee!” in my ear. I can remember thinking as I watched you grow up that the day would come when you would grow out of “loving your Mommee”, and I was afraid of that day. Thankfully, it has never come because for some reason I will never possibly be deserving of, GOD chose to send me this amazing son who has and continues to show his love for his mother in the face of everything, even other teenagers and his newly found love of girls!

I worry that you fail to understand how truly wonderful and gifted you are so let me tell you again in writing just so you will have something to which you can refer in the future if ever you are unsure. First of all and maybe most importantly, you have a great heart. You care about other people and you show them that you do most of the time. That is a gift from GOD that I pray you will embrace, cherish, and never allow yourself to lose or take for granted. It is your heart, (not your head) that will always help you to do what is right; so give it the respect it deserves always and it will never steer you wrong.

Your personality sets you apart from the rest of the crowd; it has since the day you were born. You are interesting and fun to be around and that is why people have and always will love you and want to be a part of your inner circle. Since you were a very small child, you were a leader amongst other children, and almost every adult to whom I have ever introduced you has said something about having “the feeling” that one day you will be a huge success in this world. You have always inspired that sensation in people which makes you a success even now…you exude potential and as you try to realize as much of your potential as you can, you will experience a life filled with wonder and excitement.

You are a natural-born comedian; face it Dude…you are funny! Additionally, you are much smarter than your mother though you have never believed this to be true. The fact of the matter is, in order to be funny one must first be smart. You are still not convinced of the fact that you are indeed very smart, but one day you are going to be so surprised to learn that a person with the quality of brain DNA you have received from both of your family trees cannot help but have a beautiful mind to go along with that beautiful face ;)

Last but not least by a long shot, let me discuss that awe-inspiring “right brain-ness” of yours. YOU ARE AN AMAZING ARTIST! Way back in time when you were 3 or 4 years old, even I, (the anti-artist ;) could see how artistically talented you are. I have a portfolio of drawings you did then which I kept because they impressed me even then. However, I had no idea about the level of talent you would demonstrate as time passed. The visual art you create is truly world-class. From your cartooning to your logo designs to the computer art that you have breathed life into, I am constantly in awe of what you can do! Little did I know until much later that it went far beyond visual art forms and you were musically inclined as well. My favorite pastime is listening to you play the piano. You have no idea how brilliantly you play but I do, and I hope you will continue to explore and learn more about the piano as well as continue to develop your interests in other areas of music. Music though it does not come directly from me (lol!) is also a gift of both of your family trees which makes it as natural to you as breathing; so please let this gift keep on giving.

I know I have to stop this at some point, but there are so many things I want to say to you and this could be the only/last opportunity I ever have to help you to understand what you have brought to my life; so I will not take it for granted. YOU HAVE BEEN AN ONGOING AND CONSTANTLY THRILLING GIFT TO ME!! Even on our worst days with each other (some report card days, “clean this pit of a room days”, “why do I have to tell you the same thing over and over days”, etc. ;), you have been the best thing that EVER HAS OR WILL happen to me. You have saved my life without knowing it so many times that the only word that really describes you is HERO…my hero that is. As I told you in my email to you last week, your graduation from high school is YOUR accomplishment of which I get to be proud because it is proof positive that you are indeed becoming the man I hoped I was raising. I am very proud of you for graduating high school, but more so for everything else you are and have/will accomplish in your life. You have exceeded all expectations of the kind of person I hoped my son would be. I wish for you as you head out into the world on your own for the first time, what you have brought to me in such abundance: LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!

One of these days in the not too distant future, some very blessed young woman is going to have the good fortune to have you fall in love with her. She is going to go to bed one night as an ordinary person and then wake up on the day she meets you not knowing that her life is going to be fantastically changed forever that day because of the simple fact that GOD loves her so much! When she wakes up that morning, she is going to be just as clueless as I was on November 14th 1989 because she won’t have any idea that like HE showed me on November 15th 1989, GOD is about to show her HIS love for her by sending to her one of HIS most perfect creations, my son…the smiling, joking, laughing little boy who has matured into the brilliant, talented, awesome man now known as

Mr. Ryan Alexander Jenkins.

Thank you for the privilege and indescribable joy of having been your mother.

Sincerely yours forever,
Ms. Sharon L. Jenkins, preferably known as Mom

My son told me upon returning home from the retreat yesterday that he almost cried when he read his letter. He shared with me that during some of the retreat workshops when other students were asked their impressions of him many spoke of the same characteristics and traits I had spoken of in my letter (i.e. his leadership abilities, intelligence, sense of humor, and artistic skills). In a word, my son was mesmerized by this experience and somewhat shocked to hear the same things being said about him by kids as well as his Mom. Me, I am wholly gratified by the lifelong blessing of getting to be his mother!

In closing, Lauren Hill expresses it best except she mistakenly uses the name Zion instead of Ryan!!! ;)

Hands Down The Best Date Ever!!!

In this world, a girl/woman is lucky if she is gifted with one man who truly loves her. Me...so far I've been blessed with two. It started with my Daddy who I spoke about in this post. It continues with my son who has been the subject of so many posts such as this one, and this one, and this one...you get the point. ***BIG GRIN***

The fact of the matter is that thanks to the blessing of having been loved unconditionally by these two amazing men, this sistah here can recognize a good man when she runs across one. What that means to the rest of the world and especially to any man who might wish to insert himself into this sistah's life is that he better come correct because she has been loved by the best and they have set a standard that he MUST be able to match!

Now if you would be so kind as to join me for a little video montage of my best date ever!!!


And as an added bonus, let's all "Crank That Soldier Boy!!!"

Time Is Not A Straight Line...

The week that has passed since my last post here has been an amazing one in my life. It has been a week of solidifying new relationships with bloggers across the country with whom I hope my associations will be long, and which have already begun to bear fruit. It has been a week of great introspection which has led to wonderful discoveries and new insight into the blogger that is me. It has been a week of re-connections with friends and loved ones throughout the country with whom I had not been in touch for some time. Finally, it has been another one of those weeks that leaves one's mind swirling and twirling as the effects of the Earth's frantic rotation on its axis seems somehow able to be physically detectable by this mere mortal. With so many influences received in a single week, I thought I'd share some of those things that for whatever reason still remain prominent in my mind.

A few weeks ago, I posted a poem here that was inspired by another of my many "Teachers" titled "LEARNING". The poem was an ode to the exhileration I get from learning new things and the side dish of fear that comes with that same learning. Several people have asked me what is the basis of the "fear" I spoke of in the poem, to which I reply "The fear is the natural response to the necessity of changing myself, my views, and/or my actions to accommodate what I have learned." In the spirit of this particular learning, I would like to encourage black people worldwide to open their/our collective minds to this simple idea and be more willing to change ourselves, our views, our actions, as well as our minds about the expectations we set for those like us.

It is fear of change I believe that most seems to hinder the progress and advancement of the black race. In my opinion, we are one of the most passionate races to be found on the planet, and that being so, there is no stronger ally one can have in their corner than a person of African-American descent...at least initially. The problem however seems to be that there always seems to come a point, just when whatever it is we are striving for is within our reach, that "fear" is allowed to derail us from our original course. When this happens, we as a people seem to lose sight of the BIG PICTURE possibly because of a fear of the change we are required to undergo within ourselves simply to believe that what we have worked so diligently for is something we might actually obtain.

This Saturday, February 23rd is the scheduled date for the 2008 STATE OF BLACK AMERICA Forum. A critically important event in my opinion based on previous years, this event will receive even more notariety this year as it figures prominently into the race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination. In recent weeks, there have been some mild rumblings about whether or not Mr. Obama has to be (as in "He's obligated to prove his solidarity with black folks as a black candidate trying to win their votes) in attendance. I personally take issue with the concept of Mr. Obama or anyone else for that matter being boxed in such that he "has" to do anything. My opinions notwithstanding, it appears that factions of Black America (read: Tavis Smiley and I'm not hatin' here as I assure you that I love me some Tavis) are upset with the Illinois Senator's decision not to attend the event but to campaign in Texas and Ohio instead. Even offering his brilliant wife Mrs. Michelle Obama to attend in his stead (a completely acceptable alternative in my estimation) was not received as an acceptable compromise. Thus, began the criticisms again of whether or not Mr. Obama was attempting to "separate" himself from being associated with anything black in orientation. I find myself thinking, "Let it go people...just let it go! Why must black folks constantly be held to a standard by which they are required to "prove" their blackness while white folks are given the designation of "blackness" for something as stereotypical as being able to play the saxophone or loving fried chicken? Why was it acceptable for Mrs. Clinton to send the former president to South Carolina on her behalf while she campaigned elswhere with no resulting talk of her underlying reason being an attempt to 'avoid being viewed as "the black candidate" by avoiding spending significant amounts of time campaigning in largely Black South Carolina' . But to the contrary, now when Mr. Obama is faced with pretty much the same scenario due to other priorities of his own, his decision results in questions about his loyalty to black voters?". There is definitely a double standard being applied here people.

With the event taking place this weekend, and Mrs. Clinton currently scheduled to attend and Mr. Obama not, my expectation is that those mild rumblings from recent weeks will shortly turn into full-fledged volcanoes. Here you can find a blog post by Roland Martin in which he gives what I believe to be a well thought out analysis of the candidates' current needs as it relates to securing the Democratic Nomination and a subsequent rationale for what their priorities should be for this upcoming weekend based on that analysis. The bottom line is that Mr. Obama is running for president of the entire United States of America same as Mrs. Clinton, and in my opinion he should be allowed to do that based on what he needs to do to accomplish that goal, same as Mrs. Clinton. Currently, Mrs. Clinton could benefit by positively impacting the number of Black Americans willing to endorse her as a candidate the same as positively impacting the Hispanic communities can benefit Mr. Obama's campaign. Thus, it makes absolute sense for Mrs. Clinton to attend this event, but for Mr. Obama who already has significant Black support, not so much. In order for Mr. Obama to live up to his promise of trying to improve things for any Americans, black, white, male, female or otherwise, he must first become the president. I personally would love it if Mr. Smiley, the Congressional Black Caucus, the Civil Rights Old Guard and all the other so-called keeper's of Dr. King's Dream would get the hell outta the way and let him do that! So please my fellow black folks, regardless of what you hear or who you personally endorse, please, please, please look at the BIG PICTURE and decide for yourself where you believe Mr. Obama, Mrs. Clinton, and any other candidate you might support should be on Saturday.

In the last week, I have discovered yet another "Teacher" in the person of one of my new favorite bloggers, a person who already has become a lifelong friend I'm sure, Xavier of Ali's Zay blog fame. In less than a week, Zay has taught Ms. Just Write Now as much as she has learned in the last six months from her own efforts, and the greatest of these learnings is his teachings regarding the nature of TIME, thus the title of this post. My new friend has revolutionized my thinking about time and this new learning is reflected throughout my approach to my life and has been a liberating factor in my recent writing. "Thanks again Zay!"

This post itself is a perfect illustration of the fact that time is not linear as I have jumped back and forth between the past, present, and future many times already and here I go back to the future again....

Saturday is also MY BIRTHDAY....YEAAAAAAAAAA MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Always a huge appreciator of my birthday, I am sooooooooooo looking forward to this one. Those fine bloggers who were contributors to the wonderful compilation titled

"Bloggers'

Delight

Volume One" will be having their very first book release party right here in my fair city THE LOU and on my very own BEARTHDAY...once again I find myself saying "YEAAAAAAAAAAAA MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I am gonna meet Ms. CapCity, Mizrepresent, Mega-rich, Saadia, and who knows who else alive and in person right here on my turf. Talk about looking forward to your birthday ***so damned giddy she needs drugs to come down to earth***. In addition, many of my friends and loved ones have confirmed they will be in attendance at this amazing event as well to help me and those delightful bloggers celebrate! Isn't it wonderful when your presents come early...you don't even have to wonder if you will be getting anything ;-)

Okay, time being what it is, let's take a step back into the past to tomorrow, Friday, February 22nd (see what Zay means...gotcha with that one didn't I? I betcha you had to go back and think about that one...YEAAAAAAAAA ZAAAAAAAAAAAY!). Tomorrow, my son Ryan and I will be driving over to Kansas to check out one of the colleges he is considering. Now y'all already know that I couldn't possibly love this child/man more than I do, but let me tell you all how truly amazing he is. This person that started life inside my body has truly got a life of his own! He is a senior this year and will be graduating in May. To date, he has been accepted to three colleges, and two of the three so far have offered him scholarships for both his academic and athletic prowess! So tomorrow we will be evaluating in person one of the two colleges so far to offer him significant scholarship assistance as we narrow the field of choices to the one lucky enough to ultimately claim my brilliant man-child as one of its future alums! Now you tell me, what is there not to love about this kid?!

Okay, this is getting much longer than I planned so I'm gonna end my time travels here in the present by saying to each of you reading this: "You are the very definition of love so thank you so much for stopping in ;-)" !!!

**
Black and White photography stolen shamelessly from Zay's blog; all other photos taken or stolen from the www by Ms. Just Write Now ;-)

FROM DICTATORSHIP TO DEMOCRACY.....

January 1990:

The baby pictured here was barely 2 months old and had no need to partake of the democratic process as he had his own personal dictatorship in which he was THE LITTLE DICTATOR.

If he wanted something, there was no need for him to cast a vote as his loyal subject (a.k.a. Mommee! as he would soon come to call her) would jump through whatever little hoop he decided to twirl.


January 2008:

THE LITTLE DICTATOR is all grown up and at the ripe old age of 18 he is now officially a participant in the democratic process as he completed his very first voter registration process today and will subsequently be eligible to cast his very first ballot in next month's presidential preference primary to be held in Missouri on February 5th.

At least four times over the last 18 years THE LITTLE DICTATOR was taken by Mommee! to the local polling place where he was allowed to enter the voting booth with her and punch his Mommee's! ballot. This ensured that THE LITTLE DICTATOR would know exactly what to do when his own turn to exercise his GOD-given and hard-earned right to be a part of the decision-making process sanctioned by the United States Constitution finally came.

Additionally, on the day that THE LITTLE DICTATOR turned 18 back in November 2007, he exited his high school building to find a birthday cake left by his Mommee! on the hood of his car with the following caption:

Happy 18th Birthday Ryan!

Love Mommee!

Don't Forget to Vote!!!

(Don't hate.....you gotta take every available opportunity to educate the leaders of the future!)

In the two months since THE LITTLE DICTATOR came of age, he and his Mommee! have had many conversations about the various candidates with his Mommee! encouraging him to use this wonderful invention known as the world wide web to learn as much as he can about ALL of the candidates. THE LITTLE DICTATOR has been encouraged to consider the candidates based on their position on the issues that are most relevant to him (i.e. Iraq war, financing of secondary education, etc.). THE LITTLE DICTATOR has been cautioned against voting based on party affiliation, what he thinks his Mommee! will vote, race vs. experience, or anything else other than what his own brain and gut tell him to vote.

So today THE LITTLE DICTATOR officially became part of the voting public of the United States of America. He knows this right is one that was bestowed upon him by GOD and accessed for him by thousands who sat down, marched, stood up, and in many cases died for him to be able to exercise it. With all of that education behind him, I truly believe my work...Mommee's! work here is done! ;)

ROCK THE VOTE Y'ALL!!!