Wednesday, September 05, 2007

If I can't trust me....who can I trust?

My heart is heavy y'all. It is almost 12:30am and I should be sleep because very shortly I have to be on the road for the lovely Mecca better known as Bettendorf, Iowa where Ms. Just Write Now will be working tomorrow for a colleague who is out on medical leave. This means that Ms. Just Write Now will have to be up and in her car for the four hour drive in less than six hours and what is she doing instead of sleeping? She is up writing this meaningless post because right now, Ms. Just Write Now feels anything but Just RIGHT Now.

I know that when one ends a relationship, they can expect some good days and some bad. That is not the problem. The real problem is that I have always been a person who relies on her ability to "read" people. I've always been confident in my ability to determine when someone has my best interests at heart and when they don't; subsequently enabling me to act accordingly in my dealings with that individual. So as I try to navigate my way through the emotional ups and downs of this break-up, I find myself also having to come to terms with the discovery that I may not be as good a judge of the character of others as I have always believed myself to be. This is difficult enough to handle when the person who betrays you is new in your life; however, when it comes from someone you've known, loved, and trusted for half of your life, it is a devastating blow let me tell you.

In my 42 plus years on the planet, I have managed to learn something from just about every situation I have found myself in; thereby making even the negative experiences worthwhile. I have prided myself on not allowing these "negative" experiences to embitter me. That has always been a goal of mine, to always "DO ME" regardless of what I am dealing with or receiving from others. I am trying my best to hold on to that right now, but a HUGE part of me wants to try "DOING A NEW ME", a me who would not take this in stride and who would strike back. I'm hurting pretty badly at this particular moment, and though I know it will pass [and knowing me pretty quickly], right now I need some peace or minimally to at least fantasize about returning the favor that has been bestowed upon me....

I know and love GOD and I know HE is there watching over me. I also know that GOD helps those who help themselves, and this is what I am desperately trying to myself. So if anyone can answer this question without suggesting I lean on my faith or GOD's wisdom because those are a given, I would appreciate it more than I will ever be able to demonstrate:

"What do you do when you are left feeling you can't truly trust your own judgement?"