Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Just Exhaling....525600 Minutes Later

Under normal circumstances, the PO does not routinely read this blog. Occasionally I send him the link when I have written something I want him to see. I will not be sending a link today because though these are probably the things I should be saying to him, I don't think I can without my intent being misconstrued. If by chance you do ever read this my love I hope you will absorb it in the spirit that it was written; not as an accusation or condemnation but as a way of relieving my mind of some weighty issues that I did not know what else to do with.

I need to talk. I need to clear my head. That is not what this blog is usually used for, but right now I need to talk but I don't want to talk to anyone directly. I just need to say some things that are on my mind that I can't or don't want to actually say out loud to anyone. I just want to say them.

I am in love. I know it without a doubt. It is not something I question because every single cell in my body is over-stimulated with the force of the feelings I have for my PO. At 42, this relationship has me feeling like a teenager. The sheer intensity of it scares the hell out of me, and that doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the emotional roller coaster I am riding right now. If one could graph a curve representing the emotional highs and lows I have experienced over the last year, neither the peaks nor the valleys could possibly be charted. It makes me dizzy. I am constantly trying to get my equilibrium in check.

On one hand, this is a great thing. It is so passionate and I get to feel everything I feel to the maximum level; so when things are good, it is exhilerating. On the other hand, when things are not good, it is exhausting. Right now, things are not good. I keep thinking of the phrase "trying to sleep in the bed you made", and I wonder if that is what I am doing, trying. Please don't get me wrong, I don't have any hesitation about sleeping in this bed as I didn't make it by mistake, I intended to make it; however, I just find myself wondering if this is "the bed" I am supposed to be sleeping in. I wonder if a couple that is "right" for each other would have to try to sleep in the bed they made. The problem is that I know what I want, and he is it; nevertheless, I wonder often if I am really what he wants?

I'll say it again so that there is no confusion: I love my PO. I have no questions about his rightness for me; I just wonder if I am the right woman for him.

As I think back over my relationship history, I recognize the fact that I have not often if ever considered whether or not I was right for the person with whom I was involved; I have only taken into consideration whether or not he was what I believed I wanted/needed. For the most part, that has been my perspective in this relationship as well. Now, I find myself trying to understand what it is he needs? What does he want? Am I the woman who can provide those things? I can't answer these questions because I am not sure I know what he wants or needs; I'm not sure he knows for sure right now. The thing is that as my PO and I try to navigate the process of combining our individual lives into a joint one, I am beginning to see things in myself that I know I can't change and that he doesn't necessarily embrace. The reverse holds true as well, and subsequently, issues arise due to miscommunication, unspoken expectations, and baggage from previous relationships. Though we work hard at finding the middle ground on these issues, I feel that for some of these issues there really is no middle ground. I'm alright with this because I CHOSE to commit myself to my PO understanding and EXPECTING him to come with "imperfections" some of which would never go away or even improve. I am not sure that my PO operates from the same perspective, as he seems to be willing to throw in the towel a lot more easily than I am comfortable with.

I find myself wondering why that is and what it means. Does it imply that I love him more than he does me? Am I more committed to the relationship? Am I more invested and consequently do I have more to lose? OR, am I living in a fantasy land of "trying to sleep in the bed I made" while he is living in the reality of "life without rose-colored glasses"? Is what I deem "commitment" really just an excuse not to deal with a situation that may have run its course? What can I discern from his "call it quits" attitude if anything? AND, am I over-analyzing everything or is this just another of the basic differences between us?

I talk a lot. I know this; those of you who know me and those of you who don't actually know me personally know this. This is not something that is likely to change and I know better than to even consider trying to curb the impulse. I am a person who has very definite ideas and opinions about every thing and I make decisions relatively quickly. I know what I want, and don't hesitate letting others know what I want. I don't often find myself second-guessing myself and am typically ready to move to the next thing pretty quickly. I don't get angry easily or often, and when my anger flares, it passes quickly. I don't prolong anger. I don't wallow in it. I don't hold grudges. I have been accused of being confrontational, and I don't deny that I am. However, my tendency is to confront the issue whatever it is and move on. I am very open about myself, my feelings, and my life. I love hard. I CHOOSE to love those I love. When I CHOOSE to love someone, everything I am and have is invested into that love. When love doesn't work out the way I hoped it would I am annihilated. This is who I am.

I know my PO loves me. I know he cares about me. I just am not sure he can love some of the many parts of me that make me the me that I am. Thus, it is not my characteristics that make me question my suitability as a mate for my PO; it is his response to these parts of me that are not very likely to undergo significant change that cause me to wonder if I am the right woman for him. I know that I am ALL IN as far as this relationship goes. I am totally committed to my PO and us having a life together. I have CHOSEN this man with all of his imperfections. I am content to let some disagreements and/or dissatisfactions go unresolved indefinitely because my need to just be with this man is stronger than my need to resolve every issue that we have. I hope he feels the same, but sometimes I think people stick because of a self-imposed obligation they feel. Sometimes I think people move too fast for themselves and then try to stay the course out of fear of hurting someone they care about. I hope this is not the case, but I wonder. If he were to tell me that this is the case, I would love him and myself enough to let him go. I would be annihilated, but I would do it.

I know he loves me, he tells me all the time. I wonder though if he loves me enough. I wonder if he loves me enough to accept that I love him and with him is the only place I really want to be. I wonder if he loves me enough to hang on to me through whatever shows up on our horizon and to never let go. I wonder if he loves me enough to try to comfort or support me during my times of need even when those times occur on the same day that I have made him so angry he feels like he wants to explode. I wonder if he wants me and wants to be with me in the all-consuming, can't think, can't breathe way I want to be with him. I wonder if what he feels for me is strong enough to allow him to override his cynicism about women and relationships in general and accept that I am only interested in what is best for the both of us. I wonder if [in spite of whatever his pessimistic nature might be telling him] he can love me enough to accept that I have only one agenda and it is not hidden: to be with him.

Then again, I wonder if he cares enough about both of us to get out of this relationship if it is not what he truly wants.


LadyLee said...

Oldgirl, you got so many questions running through your mind... Are you sure that you're not having jitters, or are you feeling there is more to it? Maybe if you give it more time, all the answers will reveal themselves..

Sharon said...

@ Ladylee

Thanks for commenting OG and as usual you are pretty on point. No, I am not having jitters as the wedding has been canceled already so there is no pressure of an impending wedding date. I do have many questions, and for me it is difficult because I don't typically do the insecurity thang and as you can clearly see I don't do it well.

The reason I didn't want to actually talk to someone directly is that I agree with your perspective that time is the answer. However, I'm stressed because I want this so bad and the thought that it might not work out is what keeps me awake at night. Send up some prayers for ya gurl.