Second Guessing...When Does "Responsibly Making Sure" Become "The Obstacle"?

I waited 'til I saw the sun

I don't know why I didn't come

I left you by the house of fun

I don't know why I didn't come

I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day

I wished that I could fly away

Instead of kneeling in the sand

Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine

But you'll be on my mind

Forever

Out across the endless sea

I would die in ecstasy

But I'll be a bag of bones

Driving down the road alone

My heart is drenched in wine

but you'll be on my mind

Forever

Something has to make you run

I don't know why I didn't come

I feel as empty as a drum

I don't know why I didn't come

I don't know why I didn't come

I don't know why I didn't come

From the moment I first heard the above lyrics to Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why?", I was entranced by the song. The clarity of her voice combined with the beautiful melody and these haunting lyrics mesmerized me so much so that I played the song on repeat in my car for weeks. I was introduced to Ms. Jones' "Come Away With Me" CD by way of a Christmas present given to me by my son Ryan. He revels in introducing me to "good" music created by artists of his generation as I'm always telling him that the best that his favorites have to offer is typically sampled from the best of the artists of my generation. No originality I say! Norah was an attempt on his part to prove me wrong...a successful attempt at that! (LOL)

I hadn't listened to the CD for a few weeks, when I popped it into my CD player yesterday, and found myself once again dragged deep into the lyrics. Now, I don't pretend to know what Norah or whoever the songwriter is was thinking when they wrote this song, but for me, it leads to the thought: "What am I really doing? Looking for Mr. Right, or finding excuses for why no one is Mr. Right Enough?" As a 41 year old woman who has never been married but believes in her heart that she would like to be, I find myself wondering why it is that I'm not married, nor even involved in a serious relationship. I date quite frequently, I'm happy to say; though few men impress me as the type of man I think I would like to spend my life with.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, "Through The Fire...", I have been involved in several long-term relationships though none have ended in marriage. I often joke with friends that the one thing all of their failed relationships have in common is their own involvement. As they say, "we joke the truth". Are my failed relationships and my lack of a strong, stable marriage my own fault? Is my own involvement in my relationships the kiss of death that sends them to the relationship burial ground? Are the men I am meeting, dating, and discarding or relegating to the status of "just friends" really unacceptable long-term mates or is that my cover-up for self-sabotaging what I profess to want more than anything else at this point in my life? Is Norah right, "Does something have to make you run?", and if so, "Exactly what is that something in my case?"

I have a friend, [a male friend who I started out dating and sent over to the "just friends" team], who is constantly telling me that I am my own worst obstacle in the relationship quest. He says that though I do have a lot on the ball, my desire to "be sure" is killing any chance I might have for a lasting relationship with a man. He says that when we were dating, I was so "inquisitive" and for me everything was so in-depthly serious that it was difficult for him to respond as he felt that I required too much information too soon. I could argue and say that what he says isn't true, but I would be lying. I am a very "deep" person some would say. I like to really know things and people. I want to know what motivates an individual...what drives them...what do they believe...what do they believe in...what do they live for and for what, would they be willing to die? I feel that I know what I want out of life and to some extent from a relationship; minimally, that would require someone with whom I can be me...in all my deeply inquisitive glory! Thus, when my friend says these things about my sabotaging myself in relationships, I usually respond that when the man who is right for me comes along, this "attribute" of delving so deeply that is so typically me will not frighten or scare him away; it will probably be the thing he loves most about me. I say that anyone who would be scared off by this trait that is so close to being the very definition of me, is more than likely inherently wrong for me. He would be scared away eventually anyway, and for me, sooner is better than later in that case.

Sounds reasonable. Sounds rational. But here in the dark, [Major storms hit St. Louis this afternoon and my home has been without power since about 5pm and it is now 10:11pm as I type this...thank God for back-up computer batteries!], as I lie here alone in my bed typing this post I can't help but wonder: "Is it just a cop-out? " , "Is it what strong, upwardly-mobile, professional, black women who have their so-called shit together say when they are lonely and don't know when or if they are ever going to have the love of that strong, stable, dedicated black man for whom they've waited so long?", or "Is it truly that none of the men I have met and dated are right for me?".

These are the thoughts that sometime come to mind as I [a single queen], lay alone in the king-sized bed in which I sleep and sometimes dream of the king with whom I can one day share it.

"Is Something Making Me Run?"

Because

I Don't Know Why He Doesn't Come...