When Happiness (or what looks like it) Is Not Worth What It Costs....

I don't know if you guys realize this or not, but I am a very introspective person in many ways and as such, I find myself spending quite a bit of time reflecting on events that have occurred during my life and how those things impact me and my outlook. The last few days have been an absolute exercise in introspection for me; let me explain.

I am blessed or cursed [depending on how you look at it], with a really good memory for dates and events. If a date is special to me for any reason, good or bad, I will always remember it. Today, August 18th, is the birthdate of my ex. Over the weekend I was acutely aware that this day was coming and it still carried the significance of being my ex's B-day in my mind. From the moment the thought of his impending birthday popped into my mind, I found myself doing what I do...reflecting back on his previous birthdays.

Two years ago as his birthday approached, I was busy as a bee as I ran around purchasing special gifts for him which I arranged to have delivered along with each course of the delicious dinner I had arranged for us at a premeire restaurant here in St. Louis. I picked him up from the airport the night before his birthday while my girlfriend delivered his wrapped presents to the restaurant on my behalf where they would be stashed until his birthday dinner the following night.

When his birthday actually arrived, as it turned out, we spent the entire day arguing and almost did not go to dinner as I had planned. It was one of the most trying days I have ever spent with anyone as he was angry with an administrator at his college but chose to take out his frustrations on me all day. I remember thinking "Buddy, you are going to feel so badly once you see all of the trouble I've gone to trying to make this a special day for you." I wrote this post about him and how blessed I felt to have him in my life and what I hoped the future held for us. Somehow, we made it through the day and when we finally arrived at the restaurant, we had the best date of our lives together. That was the high point of my time with him....I was happy.

A year later (last year), as his birthday approached, I was at the lowest point I can ever remember in my life. We (read he), had made the decision to end our relationship against my wishes, and I truly did not see how I was ever going to recover from the heartbreak that came with that decision. I wrote several sad little posts which illustrate the depths to which my spirit had sunken during this time. Never before had I been so depressed, and I hope never again to have that particular experience.

This year as the fact that it was soon to be his birthday once again reached my conscious mind, I found myself reflecting on the last two years and the thought I was left with was this....

What is happiness worth? Two years ago as I planned his birthday surprises, I had never before been happier. However, in the midst of my "happiness", I had to work harder than I ever had before to try to make him happy because he was in my opinion a very high maintenance and temperamental man who was prone to rapid mood swings with which I could barely keep up. When he wanted to, he could make me feel like the world revolved around the two of us, but just as easily, he could erase me from the world if he was of a mind to do such a thing. Then, last year I couldn't spell happiness as he completely changed the world I knew by deciding to no longer be a part of my world as abruptly as one might decide to change one's mind about what to wear. With that seemingly spur of the moment decision, he took away every shred of happiness I felt. Today, though I wouldn't say that I am happy [though I also would NOT say that I am unhappy either], I can say with absolute certainty that I am content and looking forward with boundless optimism to the happiness that I am positive is coming my way. The funny thing is that as much as I appreciate the lifelong love affair I have had with happiness, I must admit that when I think of what the tenuous happiness that he brought to my life cost me and my spirit, I'll pass and take the contentment and peace of mind I am blessed with right now over that particular brand of fleeting, erratic happiness.

Like every major relationship I've ever had with a man has done, this one taught me a valuable lesson as well....sometimes what passes for happiness may not be worth what it costs. Whenever that is the case, I have learned to simply let it go and hold on to my belief and faith in the fact that what is for me is mine as I continue living for the happiness that it sure to find me eventually. I know that whenever it does find me, it will definitely be worth the price I will be expected to pay for it! The take-away?...

Everything costs you something....just make sure it is worth the price!!!