I'm feeling the need to do a little rambling today so bear with me and weigh in if you feel so inclined.
Sometimes giving up something you hoped for is harder than giving up something you actually have. Ever noticed that? I'm not sure why that is, but I know it is true. Why is that the case I wonder? I have some theories.
Wanna hear 'em? Here they go....
Things that are hoped for but not actually realized may be more difficult to "lose" because when they are lost, one loses more than just that thing. The potential of all that might have come with that thing is also lost. The fantasy of finally having what one wants and the impact of having realized that desire is lost. Last but not least, the tangible thrill of getting what one wants and watching what comes with it unfold is lost.
In contrast, when one loses something they actually have, they lose only that thing, whatever it may be. Not to devalue the feelings of loss one in this position experiences, but I submit that those feelings may not be as potent as losing something that was hoped for because the potential of having had that thing has actually been realized. The fantasy of possessing that thing has been one's reality and the impact is therefore self-evident. The tangible thrill of ownership though now replaced by the pain of loss, has still been experienced. Understanding that this is a very simplistic evaluation of losing something one actually once possessed, I still land at the conclusion that one doesn't necessarily lose as much when losing something they have as they do when they lose something they hoped to have. Thoughts?
I don't know if you guys realize this or not, but I am a very introspective person in many ways and as such, I find myself spending quite a bit of time reflecting on events that have occurred during my life and how those things impact me and my outlook. The last few days have been an absolute exercise in introspection for me; let me explain.
I am blessed or cursed [depending on how you look at it], with a really good memory for dates and events. If a date is special to me for any reason, good or bad, I will always remember it. Today, August 18th, is the birthdate of my ex. Over the weekend I was acutely aware that this day was coming and it still carried the significance of being my ex's B-day in my mind. From the moment the thought of his impending birthday popped into my mind, I found myself doing what I do...reflecting back on his previous birthdays.
Two years ago as his birthday approached, I was busy as a bee as I ran around purchasing special gifts for him which I arranged to have delivered along with each course of the delicious dinner I had arranged for us at a premeire restaurant here in St. Louis. I picked him up from the airport the night before his birthday while my girlfriend delivered his wrapped presents to the restaurant on my behalf where they would be stashed until his birthday dinner the following night.
When his birthday actually arrived, as it turned out, we spent the entire day arguing and almost did not go to dinner as I had planned. It was one of the most trying days I have ever spent with anyone as he was angry with an administrator at his college but chose to take out his frustrations on me all day. I remember thinking "Buddy, you are going to feel so badly once you see all of the trouble I've gone to trying to make this a special day for you." I wrote this postabout him and how blessed I felt to have him in my life and what I hoped the future held for us. Somehow, we made it through the day and when we finally arrived at the restaurant, we had the best date of our lives together. That was the high point of my time with him....I was happy.
A year later (last year), as his birthday approached, I was at the lowest point I can ever remember in my life. We (read he), had made the decision to end our relationship against my wishes, and I truly did not see how I was ever going to recover from the heartbreak that came with that decision. I wrote several sadlittleposts which illustrate the depths to which my spirit had sunken during this time. Never before had I been so depressed, and I hope never again to have that particular experience.
This year as the fact that it was soon to be his birthday once again reached my conscious mind, I found myself reflecting on the last two years and the thought I was left with was this....
What is happiness worth? Two years ago as I planned his birthday surprises, I had never before been happier. However, in the midst of my "happiness", I had to work harder than I ever had before to try to make him happy because he was in my opinion a very high maintenance and temperamental man who was prone to rapid mood swings with which I could barely keep up. When he wanted to, he could make me feel like the world revolved around the two of us, but just as easily, he could erase me from the world if he was of a mind to do such a thing. Then, last year I couldn't spell happiness as he completely changed the world I knew by deciding to no longer be a part of my world as abruptly as one might decide to change one's mind about what to wear. With that seemingly spur of the moment decision, he took away every shred of happiness I felt. Today, though I wouldn't say that I am happy [though I also would NOT say that I am unhappy either], I can say with absolute certainty that I am content and looking forward with boundless optimism to the happiness that I am positive is coming my way. The funny thing is that as much as I appreciate the lifelong love affair I have had with happiness, I must admit that when I think of what the tenuous happiness that he brought to my life cost me and my spirit, I'll pass and take the contentment and peace of mind I am blessed with right now over that particular brand of fleeting, erratic happiness.
Like every major relationship I've ever had with a man has done, this one taught me a valuable lesson as well....sometimes what passes for happiness may not be worth what it costs. Whenever that is the case, I have learned to simply let it go and hold on to my belief and faith in the fact that what is for me is mine as I continue living for the happiness that it sure to find me eventually. I know that whenever it does find me, it will definitely be worth the price I will be expected to pay for it! The take-away?...
Everything costs you something....just make sure it is worth the price!!!
Right now, my life seems to be all about waiting. Waiting for things to happen. Now mind you, the things I am waiting for are all great things, but still, waiting is waiting is waiting and I have never been a fan of the activity.
As those of you who come here regularly already know, the love of my life graduated high school earlier this summer. No, I am not a cradle-robber....well, technically I have been before and might be again but that's a story for another post (LOL!). No, for those of you just crawling out of your caves, the love of my life thus far is my son Ryan.
Ryan will be leaving for his freshman year at college this month. The countdown has begun, leaving just ten (10) short days between now and the beginning of his real life on August 13th 2008; a life in which the metaphysical unbilical cord that has kept us connected for the past almost 19 years will finally be severed for all time, propelling him into a separate and independent future all his own.
I'm holding up pretty well all things considered. After all, Ryan is my only biological child though my other son, Tony holds as definitive a place in my heart as does Ryan. Thanks to Tony, ( the only child of my ex-ex-ex fiance (a.k.a. Triple-X), yes, we were engaged THREE times ;) I have experience at this "send your son to college thing", and I know I can do it. That doesn't change the fact that it will be completely surreal getting used to the idea of my baby MAN not coming home every night.
I find myself wondering how long it will take before I can sleep through the night without activating my "mother hearing" to listen for the door opening and closing letting me know that Ryan is safe and sound in his mother's home.
I know without a doubt that some things I'll never get used to....like not having my 265 pound, 6 foot two inch baby MAN crawl up into the other side of the King-sized bed in which I sleep to tell me about his Saturday night escapades once he wakes up on Sunday mornings after having just found his way home a few short hours before. Without question, I know I will miss for an eternity the times when he and I sit for hours on quiet rainy or snowy weekends alternating between sleep and watching / dissing each other's taste in TV and movies until by some act of supreme will we find something on the boob-tube that suits both of our tastes. Most of all, I know there will never come a day that I will get used to entire days in which my amazing baby MAN does not knock on my bedroom door to ask if I will be disturbed by his playing the piano. I have long been amazed that he could ever believe the sound of him playing the piano could ever disturb me when next to his childhood giggle, it is the most awesome sound I've ever heard. Wanna hear it, here it go...
Ryan playing one of his original compositions
How am I ever supposed to get used to not hearing that wonderful sound around the house everyday? My son is a veritable genious and if you don't believe me, know this, he composed that piece he was playing AND taught himself to play the piano by ear AND DOES NOT READ MUSIC EVEN NOW! It is only one of his multiple talents, and I am constantly trying to figure out from where does he get this seemingly bottomless pool he possesses that is the source from which all of these amazing artistic talents spring?
Well, the countdown clock is ticking away, and in less than two weeks the love of my life and I will trail each other in separate cars to Illinois where I will help him to get situated in his dorm room with his new room mate. Then we will hit up the local Wally World to get the knicks and the knacks that will turn his new space into a surrogate for home. Finally, I'll stock him up on all his favorite "dorm-appropriate" foods and take he and his roomie out for dinner and then with as much decorum and composure as I can muster, I will turn my physical back and walk away from my baby MAN without looking back....though ONLY my physical back will be turned and a single, solitary wimper or snap of my baby MAN's fingers will bring me back to him in a flash because as I hope all y'all already know, THAT'S JUST WHAT GOOD MAMAS DO!!!
The other major event that I am waiting for is not scheduled to happen until November 21st, 2008. That is the day that me and 30 or so of my beloved friends and family members [including my amazing baby MAN] set off on the vacation of a lifetime. Do you know how many days there are between then and now? Wanna know? Now you do....
A week or so ago, I was reading the blog of one of my very favorite bloggers and real life friends the infamous Ladylee, when I came upon this disclaimer:
"Warning: This a long post, maybe the longest I've ever written. I do that for a reason: I know very few will read it, so I can just flow freeeeely. That's cool, because number one, I'm not a "comment whore", and number two, 99.99999% of what I write is for ME." I was stopped cold by this statement:
"...I'm not a "comment whore"..."
and of course, me being me I found myself wondering..."AM I A COMMENT WHORE?" I have been blogging here on blogger since November 2005, and in that time, I have written posts that seemed to inspire a huge amount of conversation and debate and others which received not a peep of a comment out of anyone; if indeed anyone actually read them at all. If I am completely honest with you and myself, I'd have to admit that on the occasions that a post I wrote generated a lot of discussion I was estatic. However, when on the other hand one of my posts appeared to have fallen upon deaf ears based on the fact that it received ZERO comments, I typically find that I am somewhat disappointed.
When I step back and ask myself "Why it is that I blog?", the answer is always the same...I blog because I love writing and I love writing whether or not others respond to what I write. Nevertheless, at the risk of revealing my egotism, I also blog because I CRAVEthe feedback some of my posts receive from those of you who honor me with your comments.
These thoughts led me to another question..."Under what conditions would I STOP blogging and if I did, would I actually delete this blog?" Now this is a question I can easily answer...I cannot conceive of a situation that would cause me to stop blogging, and if I ever did, the answer to the question "Would I delete this blog?" is NOT NO BUT HELL TO THE NAWL!! Though I actually know bloggers (through blogging) who have deleted what I thought were absolutely amazing blogs, for me that would be tantamount to amputating one of my limbs myself or killing my own child and I simply could not do it. I sometimes have nightmares about Blogger going mad as it has in the past and inadvertently deleting my blog...this is one of the few things that might keep me awake at night if I weren't such an excellent sleeper ;)
Over the past year, blogging has essentially saved my life as I dealt with the ups and downs of a relationship and its end. Admittedly, there were times when I wished I had not written some of the things I've written and at times I have even considered deleting a post or two, but always the rational side of me asks myself "Why do that?" After all, what is, is and what happened, happened...deleting the post that tells the story doesn't change the fact that it ACTUALLY happened so what would be the point of deleting the post.
I am so grateful to this little blog of mine because it has given me a venue in which I could let this little light of mine shine, shine, shine and believe me, I do my best to let it SHINE!
So now I ask YOU,
Does the fact that I am somewhat disappointed when a post I write receives no comments make me a "comment whore"?
Do you consider yourself to be a "comment whore"?
Would you continue to blog if you NEVER received another comment on any post you write?
In the event that you ever decided to stop blogging would you delete your blog?
Let me hear from you if you don't mind too terribly as this is something about which I am very curious. Also, before I go, please believe me when I say that "This is NOT the "comment whore" in me trying to solicit more comments!" LOL ;)
