83 Days Between Now and the Start of Mommyhood: Part Two

So I'm sure most of you who frequent that Original Oldgirl Ladylee's blog have figured out by now that Ms. Just Write Now is going to be a Mommy all over again in just a few short months! For those of you who were not aware, I'm here to say that Yes! It is true and I could not be happier about it.


I am beginning a whole new life and the most amazing thing about it all was that I saw none of it heading my way before it landed literally in my lap.

As I started to say back in March (when I left many of you hanging so unceremoniously...I apologize but there were good reasons for that) it all started with the picture in the last post. While trying to delete a profile the PO had used to communicate with me on a social networking site, I was sent the previously mentioned photo. I don't know what it was, but something about the photo spoke to me and though I had never before responded to an online request to communicate with someone I didn't either already know or minimally been exposed to through someone I knew, I decided to respond. In a very short period of time, I found myself completely enchanted by this soldier who at the time was stationed in Iraq.

In a very short time, we were communicating regularly and extensively first via the social website, then via email, and finally through Yahoo chat. Our chats lasted for hours on end (one of the reasons I was MIA around here so much....sorry ;), and our ability to communicate was so easy and natural that I knew before ever meeting in person that this individual would be a pivotal relationship in my life. From the very start, there was an ease in our ability to chat and a natural honesty in every exchange we shared. As I became more comfortable (because as many of you know, I tend to be somewhat paranoid about my personal safety when it comes to the internet), we finally moved to phone calls.

By nature a person who puts a lot of emphasis on her auditory sense, as I awaited that first phone call from Iraq, I prayed that his voice would be pleasing to my ear. I was NOT disappointed by what I heard and sometime during that very first phone call I knew I was speaking with my personal destiny.

From there, things progressed and we became closer and closer with both of us realizing even before meeting that we were in love with each other....at least on an emotional/spiritual/mental level and all that remained was to meet in person once he returned from Iraq to determine if the connection we felt would translate into the physical realm.

Well, we did meet and in answer to that particular query, I'll say this..."Today, I am six months, two weeks pregnant with our son!" His third and my second, bringing us to a grand total of 4 sons between us!

So, at this point what I can tell you is that all is great and with all the changes my life is what I think of as a compilation of moving parts. Right now the plan is for me to move to the New Orleans (where he is currently stationed) late this summer / early this fall once the baby arrives (due date: September 28th). I am currently in the process of pursuing a new job with my current company that will allow me to transfer to the NOLA region. This process should be completed by September 1st according to the current timelines. I am also trying to get Ryan (my 19 year old son who will be heading into his Sophomore year of college next month) situated in his own apartment as he does not wish to move to NOLA with us. Simultaneously, I am in the process of sorting out my house and trying to determine what to keep and what to eliminate before the move.

Like I said, my life is ALL MOVING PARTS right now but you know what, I could not be happier or more excited about how very unpredictable it all is!

GABBY'S NEW COUSIN IS COMING SOON....SO STICK AROUND!

She Was Gone.....

until one day, out of the blue and just like that she was back! Hello all you loves of my life! I'm back and to all those who let me know I was missed "Thank you so much for letting me know I am loved!" To those who missed me in silence, I know you all love me too! To all of you, I apologize for staying away so terribly long this time but believe me when I tell you that my life has been absolutely unbelievable in the time I have been away. So much has happened that I don't know where to begin telling the story. Should I go back to last fall when it all began or should I start today when things are so wonderfully and amazingly beautiful I can't begin to make you all understand how happy I am?!!!!

You all have "heard" me say time and again how dramatically a life can change in a year....525600 minutes. Well believe me when I tell you that the life I'm living today, March 31st 2009 is a work of art that I could never have conceived could ever exist 525600 minutes ago! Where do I begin?

I guess the best thing to do is to begin at the beginning so I guess that's what I'll do.....

It all started with this picture.

I'm In A New York State Of Mind...

I know it has been quite a while since you all have heard from me and the only thing I can say is that I have been on the move for the last month. I went to San Francisco over Halloween on business, and upon returning from that trip, I immediately began preparing for my long awaited family cruise which was just around the corner as our departure date was November 21st. That trip was an absolute blast, and I will be blogging about it as well as sharing pictures and video when I have the time to do so during my Christmas break from work. After our family cruise, I was home for exactly one week during which I was sick the entire time only working 1.5 days over the course of the week. The next Sunday, I had to depart for New Jersey on business for the week and having made my travel arrangements months earlier, I had the bright idea to extend the trip through the weekend so that I could spend some time in New York.

The week in New Jersey was productive even though I was still not recovered from my illness of the previous week AND I developed an ear infection while there. By Friday of that week, all I wanted to do was to go home and sleep in my own bed but in my infinite wisdom, I had extended my trip and one of my Blog BFFs had agreed to provide me with shelter while I got to know her city over the weekend so I was pretty much locked in so to speak.

You all have heard me say what I am about to say next before....THANK GOD that HE and not I get to decide what I will or won't do. If I had been able to have my way, I would not have stayed the weekend in New York. I just wanted to go home and go to bed but I could not...GOD and NYC were not having that!

I had the best time ever and I am so grateful for the experience. I got to see NYC in ways I had never seen her before and she was graceful enough to allow me to become a part of her. I made amazing new friends (I love you Dari and Robert), did the tourist thang....Rockefeller Plaza and Bryant Park YOU ROCK, met friends for drinks at the tres chic Greek restaurant KELLARI and dined in diners where breakfast was served 24 hours a day...oh so New York, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, got my spoken word on at the very historic and perfectly representative of what a New York Jazz Club should be, St. Nick's Pub...located on Harlem's famed Sugarhill!!!!

BEFORE I FORGET....let me just say that never in the history of the world and visits was there EVER a better hostess than Ms. Cap City! In every conceivable way, she made me feel more welcomed than I do even at my own home! She made ME and MY WISHES, DESIRES, WHATEVER her priority for the entire weekend in addition to driving all the way to New Jersey and back just to facilitate my visit. I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay, and here and now I want to make one thing forever clear....Cap City will always have a place to lay her head in my home!!! Thank you again my sistah....I will never forget my New York or YOU!!!

So if you are so inclined, please flip through my Smilebox and join me in my NEW YORK STATE OF MIND!!!

Make a Smilebox photobook

LIVING HISTORY

In a world where one dream was an impossibility:

Another more world-altering dream came true....

CONGRATULATIONS

PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA,

MAY YOU BE BLESSED AS YOU HAVE BLESSED US.

Can You Verify That Your Vote Actually Counts?

My apologies for all the politics that you've found here lately, but like so many of us in this country right now, I am consumed with this election. It will come to an end soon....I promise ;-)

I was forwarded this YouTube video from a friend from whom I have learned much this past year. I thought it was definitely worth forwarding to you all. The fact of the matter is that we all have one thing in common if we decide to utilize our right to vote....that one thing is WE WANT OUR VOTE TO BE ACCEPTED, RECORDED, AND COUNTED! No matter who your preferred candidate is or which party you may affiliate yourself to, we all want our vote to count. In a world where there is a way to track EVERYTHING, even emails you believe you have erased (just ask the guys at ENRON), why is it that in so many states, votes are not verifiable once they have been cast because there is NO PAPER TRAIL? What is that about?

The attached video shows that it would and COULD be extremely easy to count "computerized votes" that are still track-able and VERIFIABLE by a paper trail in the event a need arises for a recount. As it is too late for this election cycle, in my opinion, between now and the next nationwide elections, All Americans should make this a united cause by writing to their election board presidents and Congressional Representatives and Senators to make their preferences known.

WARNING: Cynthia McKinney is featured in the video and for some of you she may be a polarizing figure. THIS VIDEO IS NOT ABOUT CYNTHIA MCKINNEY NOR HER CAMPAIGN SO PLEASE WATCH IT AND YOU WILL SEE THE POINT IS NOT HER BUT THE SANCTITY OF YOUR VOTE!



It's your vote....if you can confirm that you chose to pay your utility bill with a receipt, shouldn't who you chose to be your president be confirmable as well? There are so many things we get behind that don't matter in the larger scheme of things, but this....this really does have the potential to change the world....at least the world as we now know it.

Sharon

Will YOU Be The One??

Sometimes, when it is really late at night and I am snuggled all warm in my bed and cocooned in the deepest sleep one could ever possibly hope to have, I suddenly bolt upright and find myself dripping in sweat as I try to shake off the following dream where the undefined one is ME:



Play Video by pushing right arrow.

PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE YOUR REALITY...

VOTE....before it's too late!

I Heart Colin Powell and Yes, One Day A Muslim Can Be President Of The United States Of America....I Hope....

Need anyone say more?....

To Have vs. To Have Not

Don't worry folks its just me.....

I'm feeling the need to do a little rambling today so bear with me and weigh in if you feel so inclined.

Sometimes giving up something you hoped for is harder than giving up something you actually have. Ever noticed that? I'm not sure why that is, but I know it is true. Why is that the case I wonder? I have some theories.

Wanna hear 'em? Here they go....

Things that are hoped for but not actually realized may be more difficult to "lose" because when they are lost, one loses more than just that thing. The potential of all that might have come with that thing is also lost. The fantasy of finally having what one wants and the impact of having realized that desire is lost. Last but not least, the tangible thrill of getting what one wants and watching what comes with it unfold is lost.

In contrast, when one loses something they actually have, they lose only that thing, whatever it may be. Not to devalue the feelings of loss one in this position experiences, but I submit that those feelings may not be as potent as losing something that was hoped for because the potential of having had that thing has actually been realized. The fantasy of possessing that thing has been one's reality and the impact is therefore self-evident. The tangible thrill of ownership though now replaced by the pain of loss, has still been experienced. Understanding that this is a very simplistic evaluation of losing something one actually once possessed, I still land at the conclusion that one doesn't necessarily lose as much when losing something they have as they do when they lose something they hoped to have. Thoughts?

Ain't Nothin' As Sweet As A Black Man Showing His Love For His Queen...

In a word....HILARIOUS!!!!

Sorry for the long periods of incognito-ism, but I'm traveling a lot and I've been a little under the weather....hopefully I'll be back in the saddle again soon.

In the meantime, peep this....if you haven't already seen it, I'm betting it will tickle your funny bone....it certainly tickled mine ;)

Gabby's Fabbies

This is my great neice Gabriela [Gabby for short] and her favorite great aunt, TeTe (that would be me for the picture illiterate amongst you ;) LOL! Gabby is in a word.....FABULOUS! She is 3 years old and full of the most brilliant light I've ever had the pleasure to see.

A few weeks ago, Gabby and her mother, my beautiful neice Crystal moved in with me. The timing could not have been better considering the love of my life, my BabyMAN Ryan, was heading off to college leaving me to manage living in a house that would have been waaaayyyyyy too quiet without him. With Gabby around, I assure you that things are never quiet for long and that's exactly the way I like it!

Since Gabby has been here, she has said things that have shocked and amazed me and then in the very next moment she has said things that have cracked me up. Sometimes, she does all three simultaneously. With so much material available to me, I have decided to start a regular blog series called GABBY'S FABBIES. Here is the first installation.....

Labor Day weekend, I went to Nebraska to visit my best friend who lives in a small town; Gabby and her mother accompanied me there. On Saturday, my Godson wanted to go to the local college's season opening football game, so I took him, my nephew Justin, and Gabby.

Arriving at the game, Gabby and I sat in the bleachers and as expected, we were the only black folks there. As you can see, Gabby is an adorable child; those surrounding us in the bleachers thought so too. As is the tradition at sporting events in this country, the color guard took the field to the music of the Star Spangled Banner; this is when the Fabby occurred.

Sitting in my lap chattering away with those around us, Gabby looked out on the field and spotted the "stars and stripes". Immediately she became visibly excited, bouncing on my lap and clapping her hands. With the wonderful innocence one possesses only in early childhood, Gabby turned to me and said:

"TeTe!! Look! Look at them! They got them a

AFRICAN-American flag!"

Believe me when I tell you that there are several folks in a small town in middle Nebraska who are nursing whiplashes as we speak. It turns out that Gabby was recently taken on a field trip where she learned a thing or two about Black history and she now claims the stars and stripes as her own in the most literal sense of the word.

Yesterday when Gabby's mother was relaying this story to her teacher as she picked Gabby up from school, the teacher called Gabby over. The following exchange occurred:

Teacher: Gabby, what does the color red mean in the African-American flag?

Gabby: The blood our forefathers shed for freedom.

Teacher: What does the black mean?

Gabby: The color of our skin.

Teacher: What does green mean?

Gabby: Green means GO!

GRACE by definition is....

Have a great Labor Day Weekend Michelle,

Your Work Is Done and a Beautiful Job You Did!!!

Now Y'all Know I Ain't No Hillary Fan But...

I gotta give the sister her props; she DID THE DAYUM THANG!

I'm not gonna rehash the entire speech, but a few things resonated with THIS OBAMA SUPPORTER. Wanna know what they were? Here they go....

First of all, I for one have never seen Hillary deliver a speech as smoothly and as brilliantly as her delivery was tonight. She looked relaxed, she looked composed, and most surprising of all for me, she looked AND sounded SINCERE! Well I'll be dayumed....who woulda expected that?!

The speech writer deserves a huge bonus because he/she helped Hillary redeem herself and her political viability in my eyes. Never one who supported Hillary as a potential VP, I found myself wondering "Why didn't Obama choose her again?" [Of course the answer to that is that Obama likes living!] Anyway, the speech had several classic lines which I will paraphrase (as I don't want to pretend to have them down verbatim):

- My mother was born before women received the right to vote and my daughter got to vote for her mother for President....that is the story of America! (see YouTube #3)

That line gave a family woman / history student like me goose bumps.

- No way, No how, No McCain! (see YouTube #1)

Of course this battle cry will become part of the campaign from here on out.

- ....we don't need four more years of the last eight years... (see YouTube #3)

Love it, love it, love it! Give that speech writer a big bonus check

- Next week George Bush and McCain will be in the Twin Cities which is good because its awfully hard to tell the two apart. (see YouTube #3)

The networks love this one and I am sure will slice and dice it so thinly that we will all wish it never existed.

- The ENTIRE "Keep going!" segment. (see YouTube #3)

Come on now, y'all know she had y'all as soon as she started quoting Sistah Harriet Tubman!

Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, I gotta cut old gurl some slack and give her some props for delivering for my candidate in a big way. Of course the pundits [particularly those of the Republican persuasion] are picking the speech apart and trying to put forward the notion that she still did not address Obama's lack of experience or readiness to deal with the 3am phone call. Whatevah! She said the only thing she really needed to say when she asked her supporters if they were in this for her or if they were in this for all of the people (the mother with cancer who adopted 2 autistic children and has no insurance, the marine, etc.) who need a change in the White House. She then followed up with the statement that her supporters should re-think their positions before voting and ended by announces that SHE WAS VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA! (see YouTube #2)







The last thing I wanted to mention before I'm out, was the sister who was a staunch Hillary supporter who was interviewed by a CNN correspondent following Hill's speech. I tried to find a video clip of the interview, because this sistah had most certainly lost her natural born mind! She was on the verge of a mental breakdown because Hillary lost the bid for the White House. Girlfriend was all crying over the spilled milk and I for one wanted to reach out and touch her....not in a good way! She irked me from the start, but when she got to talking about how she didn't know if she would be able to vote for Obama [though she would NOT be voting for McCain, she might just have to "not vote". She claimed to understand the sacrifices made to deliver the right to vote to folks like her and me but she was still entertaining the notion of NOT VOTING. I could barely take it, and was so happy to see her interview end. I don't care who a person decides to vote for but once the candidate you support is out of the running, either research the remaining candidates and choose the one who's policies are more closely aligned with your perspective or write in a candidate; whatever you do, please don't give up your right by default!

I'm not a declared Democrat though I will be voting for Mr. Obama in November. However, in the words of James Carville who I love AND love to hate, this was a very good night for Democrats. It was also a very good night for me!

Passion and Desire Baby....

It was less than a year ago, that I first kinda met my real-life [well "virtual real-life"] romantic couple idols....my virtual friends Ali and Zay.

You see, though I have yet to meet either of them face to face and have as of yet never even spoken with the Ali half of this amazing lovers equation, their love story is one that I treasure and place right up there with those of the greats such as Romeo and Juliet, Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee, and Thomasine and Bushrod!

I met Zay via the blogosphere, and through him I learned of Ali and his over-arching love for her. If you knew him, even if you only knew him through his blog, you would know of his passion for his Ali for he expressed it effortlessly through his poetry there:

She Used Me

She used my brush to paint a masterpiece on the canvas in her belly
Delicate strokes applied in living color within her flesh
She used my pen to write a novel on the pages of her thighs
A manuscript to be read aloud over and over
She used my marker to write a label across her chest
My name in big bold glistening letters
She used my pillar to support her fantasies
Until I made each one come true
She used my key to unlock her inner self
To be the woman of my dreams
She used my ruler to measure our love
Inch by inch as it grew

She yearned to give me her living heart
Even as it beat within her chest but
Her life is much too precious
So she gave me the key
To it instead

If you could hear the passion in his voice when he speaks of her or the fierce protectiveness that comes through the phone lines whenever he feels that she is in any way threatened by anything, then you would know what it is that I am talking about when I say I can only pray that one day a man [as amazing and in touch with himself as my friend Zay is] will feel that way about me.

Never having actually spoken with Ali, I've heard her voice and the passion it carries for Zay as well via the blogsphere. A visit to Zay's blog before it was closed would have allowed you to witness hauntingly beautiful photography of Ali such as the one I stole up above. Just stop and take a look at that photo for a second will you; even though you can see less than half of Ali's beautiful face, what does what you can see say to you? To me, it says this is a woman in love who is passionately at peace and happily enveloped in the love of the man with whom GOD has gifted her.

A deeper dive into Zay's blog would have led you to this photo and this anecdote about Ali in which her feelings for Zay are painfully clear....

[There are absolutely no words to express how
privileged I feel to be loved as strongly, trusted as completely, let in as deeply as how
Ali loves me, trusts me and let’s me in. The photo above was taken on my first trip to
Jamaica. While Ali and I were together I was very surprised to see her crying. I mean
we were having the most wonderful time in the world and there she was crying. I
asked what was wrong and without looking at me she just said in that soft voice of
hers. “I know you’re not leaving until tomorrow, but I miss you already.” ]
*******************
- as told by Zay of A Lover's Dream

as well as these comments from Zay which demonstrate that he knows exactly where he stands with this woman....

Bad...
Being madly in love with a woman in another country
Good...
The absolute certainty she gives me that she is just as crazy about me. All evidenced by her words, her actions, her sacrifices, and the incredible efforts she puts out to always make me feel that I am the most important person in her life.
Bad...
She lives in Jamaica.
Good...
She lives in Jamaica ;-) 7 trips in 2007. Some people in blogland be hatin' but I still got mad love for ya'll LOL ;-) Besides, very soon she will be here with me and there wont be any more Jamaica trips for a while.

See why these two are my romantic idols? When at longlast I finally grow up and fall in love, I wanna be like my friends Ali and Zay! In my mind, their names could just as easily have been Passion and Desire because to me, that is exactly what their love represents.

As Zay said in the post excerpted above, Ali was scheduled to be here with him very soon. Well blog friends, VERY SOON IS NOW and Ali should already have arrived if the weather and all else cooperated. Oh how I hope she is here so that my friend Zay will at long last have what he has wanted for so very long....his Ali! If indeed she is here, I wanted to take this opportunity to welcome her home and into the family she may not even know she has as of yet.

Ali, please know that though you may feel very far from your own family and what has been home to you for as long as you can remember, you have a home and a family here as well that is looking forward to welcoming and embracing you with outstretched arms. Please feel free to think of me as the long-lost sister you've only just now learned of and know that I am here whenever and if ever you need me and even if you find you don't need me at all.

You have given my friend Zay a joy and a light that I can HEAR in his voice, and a woman capable of giving a light that one can hear when it can't be seen, is definitely a woman I would feel privileged and honored to get to know.

Congratulations to you both, Ali and Zay; and please accept this gift from me via my gurl Jilly from Philly as the very first time I heard this a month or so ago, it brought the two of you to mind. Blessings and continued love to you and the beautiful, black family you will create together.

When Happiness (or what looks like it) Is Not Worth What It Costs....

I don't know if you guys realize this or not, but I am a very introspective person in many ways and as such, I find myself spending quite a bit of time reflecting on events that have occurred during my life and how those things impact me and my outlook. The last few days have been an absolute exercise in introspection for me; let me explain.

I am blessed or cursed [depending on how you look at it], with a really good memory for dates and events. If a date is special to me for any reason, good or bad, I will always remember it. Today, August 18th, is the birthdate of my ex. Over the weekend I was acutely aware that this day was coming and it still carried the significance of being my ex's B-day in my mind. From the moment the thought of his impending birthday popped into my mind, I found myself doing what I do...reflecting back on his previous birthdays.

Two years ago as his birthday approached, I was busy as a bee as I ran around purchasing special gifts for him which I arranged to have delivered along with each course of the delicious dinner I had arranged for us at a premeire restaurant here in St. Louis. I picked him up from the airport the night before his birthday while my girlfriend delivered his wrapped presents to the restaurant on my behalf where they would be stashed until his birthday dinner the following night.

When his birthday actually arrived, as it turned out, we spent the entire day arguing and almost did not go to dinner as I had planned. It was one of the most trying days I have ever spent with anyone as he was angry with an administrator at his college but chose to take out his frustrations on me all day. I remember thinking "Buddy, you are going to feel so badly once you see all of the trouble I've gone to trying to make this a special day for you." I wrote this post about him and how blessed I felt to have him in my life and what I hoped the future held for us. Somehow, we made it through the day and when we finally arrived at the restaurant, we had the best date of our lives together. That was the high point of my time with him....I was happy.

A year later (last year), as his birthday approached, I was at the lowest point I can ever remember in my life. We (read he), had made the decision to end our relationship against my wishes, and I truly did not see how I was ever going to recover from the heartbreak that came with that decision. I wrote several sad little posts which illustrate the depths to which my spirit had sunken during this time. Never before had I been so depressed, and I hope never again to have that particular experience.

This year as the fact that it was soon to be his birthday once again reached my conscious mind, I found myself reflecting on the last two years and the thought I was left with was this....

What is happiness worth? Two years ago as I planned his birthday surprises, I had never before been happier. However, in the midst of my "happiness", I had to work harder than I ever had before to try to make him happy because he was in my opinion a very high maintenance and temperamental man who was prone to rapid mood swings with which I could barely keep up. When he wanted to, he could make me feel like the world revolved around the two of us, but just as easily, he could erase me from the world if he was of a mind to do such a thing. Then, last year I couldn't spell happiness as he completely changed the world I knew by deciding to no longer be a part of my world as abruptly as one might decide to change one's mind about what to wear. With that seemingly spur of the moment decision, he took away every shred of happiness I felt. Today, though I wouldn't say that I am happy [though I also would NOT say that I am unhappy either], I can say with absolute certainty that I am content and looking forward with boundless optimism to the happiness that I am positive is coming my way. The funny thing is that as much as I appreciate the lifelong love affair I have had with happiness, I must admit that when I think of what the tenuous happiness that he brought to my life cost me and my spirit, I'll pass and take the contentment and peace of mind I am blessed with right now over that particular brand of fleeting, erratic happiness.

Like every major relationship I've ever had with a man has done, this one taught me a valuable lesson as well....sometimes what passes for happiness may not be worth what it costs. Whenever that is the case, I have learned to simply let it go and hold on to my belief and faith in the fact that what is for me is mine as I continue living for the happiness that it sure to find me eventually. I know that whenever it does find me, it will definitely be worth the price I will be expected to pay for it! The take-away?...

Everything costs you something....just make sure it is worth the price!!!

Countdowns

Right now, my life seems to be all about waiting. Waiting for things to happen. Now mind you, the things I am waiting for are all great things, but still, waiting is waiting is waiting and I have never been a fan of the activity.

As those of you who come here regularly already know, the love of my life graduated high school earlier this summer. No, I am not a cradle-robber....well, technically I have been before and might be again but that's a story for another post (LOL!). No, for those of you just crawling out of your caves, the love of my life thus far is my son Ryan.

Ryan will be leaving for his freshman year at college this month. The countdown has begun, leaving just ten (10) short days between now and the beginning of his real life on August 13th 2008; a life in which the metaphysical unbilical cord that has kept us connected for the past almost 19 years will finally be severed for all time, propelling him into a separate and independent future all his own.

I'm holding up pretty well all things considered. After all, Ryan is my only biological child though my other son, Tony holds as definitive a place in my heart as does Ryan. Thanks to Tony, ( the only child of my ex-ex-ex fiance (a.k.a. Triple-X), yes, we were engaged THREE times ;) I have experience at this "send your son to college thing", and I know I can do it. That doesn't change the fact that it will be completely surreal getting used to the idea of my baby MAN not coming home every night.

I find myself wondering how long it will take before I can sleep through the night without activating my "mother hearing" to listen for the door opening and closing letting me know that Ryan is safe and sound in his mother's home.

I know without a doubt that some things I'll never get used to....like not having my 265 pound, 6 foot two inch baby MAN crawl up into the other side of the King-sized bed in which I sleep to tell me about his Saturday night escapades once he wakes up on Sunday mornings after having just found his way home a few short hours before. Without question, I know I will miss for an eternity the times when he and I sit for hours on quiet rainy or snowy weekends alternating between sleep and watching / dissing each other's taste in TV and movies until by some act of supreme will we find something on the boob-tube that suits both of our tastes. Most of all, I know there will never come a day that I will get used to entire days in which my amazing baby MAN does not knock on my bedroom door to ask if I will be disturbed by his playing the piano. I have long been amazed that he could ever believe the sound of him playing the piano could ever disturb me when next to his childhood giggle, it is the most awesome sound I've ever heard. Wanna hear it, here it go...


Ryan playing one of his original compositions

How am I ever supposed to get used to not hearing that wonderful sound around the house everyday? My son is a veritable genious and if you don't believe me, know this, he composed that piece he was playing AND taught himself to play the piano by ear AND DOES NOT READ MUSIC EVEN NOW! It is only one of his multiple talents, and I am constantly trying to figure out from where does he get this seemingly bottomless pool he possesses that is the source from which all of these amazing artistic talents spring?

Well, the countdown clock is ticking away, and in less than two weeks the love of my life and I will trail each other in separate cars to Illinois where I will help him to get situated in his dorm room with his new room mate. Then we will hit up the local Wally World to get the knicks and the knacks that will turn his new space into a surrogate for home. Finally, I'll stock him up on all his favorite "dorm-appropriate" foods and take he and his roomie out for dinner and then with as much decorum and composure as I can muster, I will turn my physical back and walk away from my baby MAN without looking back....though ONLY my physical back will be turned and a single, solitary wimper or snap of my baby MAN's fingers will bring me back to him in a flash because as I hope all y'all already know, THAT'S JUST WHAT GOOD MAMAS DO!!!

The other major event that I am waiting for is not scheduled to happen until November 21st, 2008. That is the day that me and 30 or so of my beloved friends and family members [including my amazing baby MAN] set off on the vacation of a lifetime. Do you know how many days there are between then and now? Wanna know? Now you do....

MySpace Countdown ClocksMan, can somebody please help me get through all of this waiting?! :-)

WITHOUT

Now I’ve done it.

Without having tested the texture of your lips
nor the sweetness of your tongue,
I’ve let myself fall into the nectar of loving you;
quenching my thirst like no other libation I’ve ever had before.

Without any encouragement and in the absence of fear
I’ve learned to thrive in the sun of your smile,
as if upon me it will always shine;
providing the heat necessary to sustain and maintain this life I now so love.

Without a single indication from you that the curves of my body
have captured your attention in any way,
I’ve mapped out a route of exploration and discovery on yours;
arriving again and again at a place of pleasure I’ve never before happened upon.

Without planning to, I awaken each morning to the thought of you.
Your essence you see, remains with me even when you have gone.
The sound of your voice, the light in your eyes, and the feel of you, all mine to keep;
a better gift I’ve yet to receive.

Without hesitation I close my eyes each night anxiously willing
sleep to take me yet again to wherever it is that I can find you.
No journey is too long, treacherous, nor arduous;
knowing that YOU are the final destination.

Without warning this feeling has possessed me.
My mind, body, and spirit are yours,
and one thing has made itself poignantly clear;
I no longer wish to be….

Without YOU,
Without You,
without you.

© Sharon J. All Rights Reserved 2008

The World Just Keeps On Spinning....

I know it has been awhile since you all have heard from me, and all I can say about that is "I'm just happy I'm here!".

That seems to have become a litany with me over the last few weeks as the world has swirled around me so fast over the last couple of weeks that it has been all I could do to just hang on. It started with my job.

In late May, it was announced that my company would undertake a head-count reduction in order to save money. In order to reach their savings goal, a 10% global workforce reduction was announced for sometime in July. Now your girl here has been in this industry for 12+ years, and is no stranger to "head-count reductions" having been faced with six such situations prior to this announcement. Therein lay the source of my own particular stress. As conceited as I can be sometimes, I have always been acutely conscious of this one fact:

As special as I am, I AM NOT SPECIAL AT ALL!!!

and knowing this as I do, I was quite sure that it was time for my number to come up [as it always does, unless that is, it is the number to the winning POWERBALL Lottery ticket and then I know I can forget about it!]. Anyway, I was convinced that I would be one of the individuals whose life would be changed by the downsizing and thus was preparing myself for the possiblity of a return to my former career as a pharmacist; an eventuality that though tolerable is not one that I would preferentially choose.

On Friday, July 11th, we were asked to remain at home and to await a phone call that would let us know our fate with the company. I SURVIVED. All I can say is that it seems I may be living right and for that I am very grateful.

As harsh as that scenario was to live through (AGAIN), I must add that my company made me proud to work there as they have been more generous than any of us ever expected them to be in terms of the severance packages and additional benefits they provided to those displaced in this situation. Though losing one's job is obviously a very difficult situation with which to deal, in my opinion, my company surpassed my personal expectations for what any company in this day and age would ever consider doing for those who were being displaced. Without question, I have a new respect for the leaders at my company.

In the midst of all of that stress, I am still trying to coordinate this family cruise which once I am on it in November will be the trip of a lifetime but which is today, THIS DA-YUM-ED FAMILY CRUISE. Step into my life for a minute and imagine yourself trying to make sure that 30 or so black folks to whom you are related have handled the myriad of details necessary to get their broke azzes out of the country for 9 days. From orchestrating passport application completion parties to trying to figure out the most economical route of travel to get everyone to and from the port without breaking the bank, to getting some of my knuckle-headed relatives to just return a phone call, I must say DAYUM, DA-YUM, DA-YUM!!!

Okay, got that out of my system. That brings us to this WATCH ME SHRINK thing I've gotten myself into. See what had happened waz....

I was doing just fine. I had NOT lost any weight the first week, but the inches were getting with the program and I was cool with that. When I continued to lose inches the second week but still no weight, I started to wonder what the heck was up. Then I thought back to the fact that I had recently seen my doctor for a neck injury at which time his office scale had said my weight was 210 pounds. The convergence of all of these things led me to the discovery that my "trusty scale" just might NOT be so trusty afterall. Confirming this to be fact, I went out on Sunday and purchased myself a new scale and started with a new baseline of 207 pounds on Sunday (this was 10 pounds heavier than my old scale said I was). This would be a devastating blow to some, but I am so committed to this thing that I simply took it in stride. I don't know what it is this time, but I know that NOTHING will stop me from reaching my goals and with a lil' help from my friends (even the invisible ones ;), I know that the prize is already mine! So here is a little video to show you all that I truly mean biznezz!!! I am not dumb enough to miss that the images in this video are not flattering; however, I've got my eyes on that day in the future when the first video of THE REAL ME goes up and all of you go scrambling back in my archives to today to see just how far my journey has taken me....Now that'll be something....

Brave or Stupid...Doesn't Matter If I Reach My Goal!

One of the things I have always wanted to be is brave.

When I was a little girl, I was actually very similar to what I am like now except I was quite a bit more quiet and spent significantly less time at center stage. Though I've always been able to hold my own, I didn't feel brave then and I don't feel brave now.

For several years, I've had a goal in mind which entails getting myself into better/healthier physical shape. In the spring of 2006, I made great headway towards doing just that when I hired a personal trainer for several months. After losing 35 pounds, I underwent a medical procedure and was restricted temporarily (6 months) by my physicians from working out. Unfortunately, after the six month period had passed, yours truly Ms. Just Write Now still did not jump on the treadmill or any other available piece of exercise equipment resulting in the "state of disrepair" my body currently finds itself in.

After stumbling upon a YouTube video created by a young lady who uses the screen name Smile2dayTears2morro, I was inspired by the sheer bravado with which she has chosen to approach her fitness program to develop and commit myself to my own program and to make the video you'll find below as well as the ones I will be posting to YouTube in the future to document my progress.

Now some may say that I, like my new friend Smile2day... am brave to post the images and reveal so honestly the current state of my body; afterall, I am blessed to be able to hide most of the issues with clothing so my shameful secret could very easily have been kept ;) Others might say that I am just plain stupid to do something so revealing and which could potentially leave me vulnerable to untold abuse by internet haters and the such. I would say that I really don't know which group would be most right (as there is typically some right in any perspective), but one thing I do know is that I am a woman of my word who needs some assistance right now keeping my promises to myself. For that very simple reason, I am willing to risk being considered stupid by some and in the event that even one of the individuals who stumble across this thinks I am brave for doing it....well, that just means I'll be moving towards the fulfillment of two goals by taking this one critical step and what could possibly be wrong with that!

So without further ado, please allow Ms. Just Write Now to utilize the magic of YouTube to
BROADCAST HERSELF!!! ***smile***



So there you have it...it is what it is. I started this journey last Thursday July 3rd. My family's cruise vacation is scheduled to commence on Thursday, November 20th 2008 and that is my target date to be much happier with my naked or barely clothed body image. I will be posting weekly updates to YouTube no later than Thursdays each week, and will update here occasionally as I see fit.

Several of the women accompanying me on my family's cruise have made the decision to join me in my quest (some via YouTube - and some not), and I am happy for the company. If any of my blog family, female or male would like to join us as well, know that we welcome you. All suport will be gratefully accepted, and to any haters out there, feel free to do what you do best because I assure you that it will work as all things do to the good by making me just that much more determined to reach my goals so that I can show you just how big a waste your use of energy for negativity can be!

Dinner and a Movie Ms. Just Write Now Style..

As most of you know, I'm pretty much a sucker for all things holiday, so of course folks were expecting that I would be hosting some kind of shindig or other in honor of our nation's birthday. Well, in fact, I chose NOT to have a 4th of July party, because I am not a fan of fireworks in the hands of children and the inexperienced. I come from a family of folks who love to purchase stuff for their children to burn and with my luck and Murphy's Law, the most likely outcome of that combination is Ms. Just Write Now's roof ending up on fire...and not in a good way.

Never one to disappoint, I instead decided to invite the clan and a few friends over for a FIFTH OF JULY PARTY AND OUTDOOR BOOTLEG MOVIE NIGHT! Always one to try a little something different at my parties, even I have to admit that this one was an absolute blast! Check out the video for a taste of what fun the fifth of July can be ;)