RECOVERY....

Wow! I can't believe that my last post left you guys hanging like it did. I honestly didn't mean to, and when it was written, I had no idea it would be my last post for so long on this blog. There are a few explanations I could give for how it happened this way, but in reality, there are two true reasons that tell the story.

The first and most driving reason is that my "depression" was so all-encompassing that I could not think of anything to write about but the sadness and emptiness I was feeling during that time. It got to be so bad that for the first time in my life, I found that I would rather not write at all than to continue to write what in my opinion was not helping me to get better and probably only causing those who care about me to worry. So that's what I did, I didn't write; at least not here.

The other reason for my lapse here was the fact that my beloved son's senior year football season began on September first, and I created a blog for his team and found that I could write there because it took me away from focusing on the mess that was my life at the time. Writing the blog for his team definitely was therapeutic in that it kept me writing which still is as always the goal.

At this point, I can say that I feel like me again. The sadness is gone and the emptiness is being filled by all that was my life before I started down the path I took over the last year and a half. I have found ME again and my amnesia has cleared so that I have been RESTORED. NO, I am no longer the me that I was before, but don't doubt for a second that that ME is still a part of the ME that I am now and let me assure you that this ME is all that that ME was and then some (LOL!!!!).

So for all who wished me well and prayed for my self to be restored, it has been. I've missed you all and I've discovered many things in this time, but for me, the biggest lesson learned is this:

LIFE IS THE WAY THROUGH PAIN!

and

I AM STILL ALIVE!!!!

(and happy as hell to boot ;)

If I can't trust me....who can I trust?

My heart is heavy y'all. It is almost 12:30am and I should be sleep because very shortly I have to be on the road for the lovely Mecca better known as Bettendorf, Iowa where Ms. Just Write Now will be working tomorrow for a colleague who is out on medical leave. This means that Ms. Just Write Now will have to be up and in her car for the four hour drive in less than six hours and what is she doing instead of sleeping? She is up writing this meaningless post because right now, Ms. Just Write Now feels anything but Just RIGHT Now.


I know that when one ends a relationship, they can expect some good days and some bad. That is not the problem. The real problem is that I have always been a person who relies on her ability to "read" people. I've always been confident in my ability to determine when someone has my best interests at heart and when they don't; subsequently enabling me to act accordingly in my dealings with that individual. So as I try to navigate my way through the emotional ups and downs of this break-up, I find myself also having to come to terms with the discovery that I may not be as good a judge of the character of others as I have always believed myself to be. This is difficult enough to handle when the person who betrays you is new in your life; however, when it comes from someone you've known, loved, and trusted for half of your life, it is a devastating blow let me tell you.


In my 42 plus years on the planet, I have managed to learn something from just about every situation I have found myself in; thereby making even the negative experiences worthwhile. I have prided myself on not allowing these "negative" experiences to embitter me. That has always been a goal of mine, to always "DO ME" regardless of what I am dealing with or receiving from others. I am trying my best to hold on to that right now, but a HUGE part of me wants to try "DOING A NEW ME", a me who would not take this in stride and who would strike back. I'm hurting pretty badly at this particular moment, and though I know it will pass [and knowing me pretty quickly], right now I need some peace or minimally to at least fantasize about returning the favor that has been bestowed upon me....


I know and love GOD and I know HE is there watching over me. I also know that GOD helps those who help themselves, and this is what I am desperately trying to do....help myself. So if anyone can answer this question without suggesting I lean on my faith or GOD's wisdom because those are a given, I would appreciate it more than I will ever be able to demonstrate:

"What do you do when you are left feeling you can't truly trust your own judgement?"

Many Have Wondered...

I know I said I would not be duplicating posts on the two blogs I now maintain, and the fact that I am adding this sentence kinda makes it so that I really haven't broken that committment....okay, NOT!...but anyway....

Many have wondered exactly what it was that led to the creation of the person that is ME! Wonder no more fight fans, because right this very moment, right now today, I want to introduce to each and every one of you to the individual responsible for the me that I am. Good, bad, or indifferent, love me or hate me, you can finally meet the responsible party who has started her very own blog which you can find here!!

So please go visit my beautiful Mother's personal space, invite her to join your neighborhoods if you feel so inclined [have no worries about her being my mother....she is a REAL person, with a beautiful spirit, capable of reading, embracing, and allowing even her own daughter to have "radical thoughts" and express them without fear of "Mother Judgement"], or just give her a good old fashioned welcome into the LAND OF BLOG!

That's No Boy...That Man Is My Son!

When I was 25 years old I had no idea that the single most important thing that would ever happen to me in my lifetime had already happened. My son Ryan was born in November 1989, three months before my own 25th birthday. Now of course I knew that this was a big event, but could I possibly have imagined how big? No way! Obviously with a new baby comes change. I'm not talking about the changes that come with having a baby, I'm talking about the way a woman, particularly a self-reliant, independent thinking, got it all together, motivated woman such as I believed myself to be can change. I've heard it said many times that God does not make mistakes. That notwithstanding, I was positive that God (not I) had made a tragic mistake on the day I discovered I was pregnant. Fortunately for us all and me especially, life creates many opportunities for us to learn that it is a really good thing that we are not God. Thankfully, contrary to our own wishes sometimes, we don't rule the world; because I shudder when I think of all I would have been giving up if I had had it in my power to change the result of that pregnancy test.

As the years went by and Ryan grew up, I found that there were many things I didn't know about myself let alone the world. Being Ryan's Mom taught me to stop and smell the roses, a skill I've tried to pass on to him. Before Ryan, though I believed myself to be a cool cookie, I stressed over just about everything. After Ryan, I learned that there are so many more important things than whatever it was that had me "upset" at one point or another. I was able to go with the flow so much better. I'm sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that having this incredible person in my life changed everything for the better. No matter how hard I think about it, I can find no down side to being his Mom. This baffled me for a long time as I believe every cloud has a silver lining so the reverse has to be true as well. I have reconciled this discrepancy by accepting that the fact that the silver lining that is Ryan has no accompanying cloud is the exception that is necessary to prove the rule.

Today was the first day of Ryan's senior year in high school. Damn! where does the time go? My sweet little baby who used to be unable to dunk on his Little Tykes basketball goal now is 6'2" tall and weighs 280 pounds. He is a Varsity football player playing both Offensive guard and Nose Tackle. He is researching colleges and moving at the speed of light towards the day when he will make that first real step towards a life that is all but totally independent of mine. A part of me feels a sense of loss at the impending severing of the "unbilical cord" that though cut at his birth has continued to connect us as he has grown up. A bigger part of me however feels a greater sense of pride than I ever thought was possible. I feel pride that he has turned out to be an even better person than I anticipated. I feel pride because of the role I had in helping him become the person he is. Mostly, I feel pride because even though he was raised almost single-handedly by a woman whose father died when she was only nine years old, my son is no longer a boy, he is a MAN; and a damned good MAN too if I do say so myself!!

People Who Need People

Today has been a hard day. It is the PO's birthday, and all I want is to be with him.

Trying not to allow myself to slip too far into the sadness I feel about the current state of things between us, I did everything I could to stay busy and not spend too much time alone today. This morning I attended Ryan's football team's pre-season scrimmage which was a lot of fun. Following that, I took my Mom and sister to brunch and hung out with them into the late afternoon. Then I came home where Ryan and I lounged around the house doing not much of nothing.

Nevertheless, I found myself home alone tonight when Ryan left to attend a Rams pre-season game with some of his buddies. Gradually, I lost my tenuous footing and began to descend once again into the emptiness I've been engulfed in lately. Things were getting really, really bad, and then it came to me...I needed somehow to get in touch with myself. I needed to be reminded of who I am and who I want to be. Pondering this thought for awhile, I finally remembered where I could go to get myself together and so I went here!

Believe me when I tell you that reading this again HEALED MY SOUL! Right now, I am feeling as Just Right as I have felt in a long time and I have the ORIGINAL ORIGINAL OLDGIRL to thank for it.

OG I wrote in your comments long ago that you actually SEE me. Then I was thrilled by it, and NOW, I am so blessed by it, because by seeing me the way I used to see myself, you have helped me to see and believe what I will be again.

If you don't already know you better ask somebody, YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS!!!

Updates and Introductions

I have started a new blog on VOX. Not to worry, I also plan to keep this blog, because plain and simply, I Love It! However, I will be doing some writing over there as well. My new blog can be found at this address and it is called Write Right Now!

An update on the current status of my relationship with the PO can be found here for those who are interested. A year ago, I wrote this post, and now.... Wow! Talk about your 525600 minutes, could I really have been that far off base?

In the future, I will be posting here as well as there, and though the posts will not be duplicated, I will provide links back and forth whenever I think those of you who are accustomed to and/or prefer to come visit with me here might be interested in something I write over there! Of course I would love to have any and all of you to stop in over there as often as you'd like as my intent over there is to publish some of the writing from the "literary" projects I am working on at any given time for public review and comment/critique.

So in the words of Aleta Adams, "I don't care how you get there just get there if you can"!!!

Enough?

How much of what happens to you is your fault? If we are the captains of our own ships and the masters of our own destinies, then who is to blame when our ships run ashore or we arrive at the last place on earth we ever wanted to be?

I believe in Karma. I believe that you will pretty much get out of the world what you send into the world. For the most part, this is not a bad thing because it keeps me cognizant of how I treat those I come in contact with. I work hard to be kind, to be considerate, to pay attention to the needs of others. In the words of the late June Carter-Cash, I spend a lot of time just trying to matter.

When good things happen to us, most of us accept them as par for the course. We sit back and "let the good times roll" as if we in some way are entitled to the good things coming our way. I find this way of thinking acceptable because I believe in karma. However, I find it funny that many, [maybe even most] of us almost injure ourselves as we pat ourselves on the back congratulationg ourselves on having "earned" the good things we are enjoying only to lament our misfortune while moaning "Why me?", when the bad things show up.

The problem is, that karma is NOT just about good things. This being the case, why do we not accept personal responsibility when things in our lives are not so great? Why is it that when things fall apart, what is happening in our lives is no longer a consequence of our own actions; at least not in our own minds?

I find it very difficult to subscribe to both of these trains of thought. In my opinion, if I can take credit for the good things that occur in my life, then conversely, I must accept at least some of the blame for the bad. Claiming responsibility for the good but not the bad is like claiming "partial paternity".

Right now I am dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever personally had to face. Intellectually speaking, it would be easy to convince myself that the position I currently find myself in is not my own fault. I could very easily point fingers and most of those who love me would agree that I am not responsible for the way things are turning out right now. However, I can't go along with this even though in some ways it would make what I am going through easier. I can't go along with this thought process because even though I feel I have done everything I could to change the situation, I still feel that I have in some way fallen short of what I should have done or could have done. I've always had major issues with giving up on anything too soon; in many ways, I think giving up too soon is worse than not ever trying at all. Also, I can't help but flip the script to a scenario in which the final outcome is positive and when I do, I realize that if indeed a positive outcome had actually been the case, I would whole-heartedly accept responsibility for that being so.

Additionally, believing in karma as I do [whether it is good or bad], I find myself wondering what the hell I did that was so bad that I subsequently deserve the pain of my current situation? I find myself thinking of that movie "Defending Your Life" as I replay my own life trying to discover exactly when and where I went so terribly, terribly wrong. I want to find everyone I might ever have caused any kind of pain and apologize to them in an attempt to correct my own karma. Unfortunately, karma just doesn't work like that...does it? (Sharon asked with her fingers crossed and the slightest glimmer of hope sparkling in her eyes.)

So here I am, trying to figure it all out. I am a spiritual person but not a religious person. Those in my inner circle who are religious talk about "letting GOD order my steps". I thought that was what I was doing. It always throws me how "religious" friends see GOD all up in the middle of everything as long as things are good, and the minute things get shaky they tell you that the problem is that you are trying to order your own steps. I always wonder just when it was that the driver of this vehicle switched.

At this point, I am bewildered. I am adrift in the ocean, and though I am a good swimmer, I have no life jacket, I am tired, and there is no land in sight. There is no real point to this post, and no real conclusion except that I just wish someone could please tell me, when do you know you have truly done enough and how the hell does one ever know for sure?

Let's Get Serious

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of chatting that infamous Oldgirl Ladylee up on the telly. She and I are both writers who aspire to be published authors, so as I'm sure you can imagine the conversations could go on forever.

I love, love, love talking to the OG because no one else on earth motivates me to get serious about my writing like she does. From talk of technique to crash courses on creativity this sista schools me in the gentlest, firmest way possible. I probably have mentioned before that I met the OG in a writer's seminar back in 2005, and man am I glad I did. That first meeting went something like this:

Sharon: (showing up late for a crowded seminar and standing in the center aisle with bewildered look on her face as she tries to find a seat)

Other participants: "SEATS TAKEN!"

LL: "You can sit here", as she moves over so I can sit in the seat next to her.

Sharon: "Thanks!"

Sharon: "Where is my pen?" (whispering as she searches for the pen she forgot to bring)

LL: "You can use this one." (handing over her own pen to this disheveled basket case)

Sharon: "Thanks!"

Sharon: "Wow! That was really good; but I still need more information about writing details."

LL: "Yeah, that was pretty good, that Anita seems to know her stuff. I know this great book I will send you..."

And that as they say was the start of a great friendship. The funny thing is, that in the two years that have flown by since we first met, nothing much has changed. She is still very focused and dedicated to writing something everyday. While I on the other hand still have very little focus and am still chronically late, bewildered, and trying to figure out technique. As a matter of fact, last night's conversation ended like this:

LL: "I know this great book I will send you..."

Short and Sweet

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to gain more experience with the craft of writing. After more than a year, I am proud to say I have learned some things. One of the things I have learned, is that I am LONG-WINDED.

If you know me personally, you already know that this particular trait doesn't only apply to my writing! That notwithstanding, I have decided to dedicated myself to posting more posts that are short and sweet in an attempt to hone my skills.

This is not to say that there will be no more "typical" Ms. Just Write Now rants....I don't have that much self control. However, I will be making the effort to post more frequent, shorter posts and see what happens.

The journey begins....

Unused Gifts....Got Any?

Ever received a gift you loved....but then never used? I'm wondering if this is a phenomenon that happens to us all because I know it has happened to me more than once. It is Christmas time or your birthday, and someone you know presents you with a beautifully wrapped package. Upon opening it, you exclaim with wonder because somehow they have managed to get you exactly what you wanted. Why then is it that you somehow never got around to using it?

Maybe it was a blouse or other article of clothing that was too dressy for your regular life and you simply didn't get invited to spend any time in Oprah's life. Maybe it was something you always wanted to try like a class in pilates or weight training but you just never got around to it because you just couldn't find the time. Or maybe, like me you're just a big old procrastinator who simply put off using your treasure for much longer than you ever intended until you forgot you had even received it. Whatever the reason, I was thinking about the giver of the gift and how they would feel if they knew that you had not/ were not/ are not enjoying your perfect gift. I imagine there would be some sense of disappointment, and at least a little bit of the "why don't you just spit in my eye" sensation.

In my opinion, this situation is very analogous to how GOD must feel about unused potential.

I think most would agree that potential is a gift from GOD, so when we fail to live up to our potential or worse yet, don't even make the effort to reach our potential, in my opinion it is much like spitting in the eye of GOD.

I am a lover of potential, in myself and in others. I seek it out. I encourage its development and do whatever I can to nurture and nourish it when I encounter it. This is a good thing......except when it is not.

As a woman whose deepest desire since forever has been to be one-half of a great relationship [and maybe even a great marriage one day], my affinity for looking for potential in others has not necessarily worked in my favor. Potential can be a tricky thing especially in the arena of relationships, because what it is in a sense, is the promise of things yet to come. It is today's fantasy of what tomorrow's reality MIGHT be.

Black women who are single and successful in their chosen fields and over the age of 40 often get a bad reputation for being unwilling to "give a brotha a chance". We are often accused of "chasing the white collars" or worse yet, "chasing the white boys". I can only speak for myself when I say that this assessment is completely off the mark when it comes to most of the black women I know [including myself].

When I meet a brother and take my "inventory" of what he has to offer compared to what is on my "list" of what I'd like in a mate, I often make allowances based on a brother's potential for things that might currently be "missing". Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking "earning potential" here as the only monetary requirement I have is that the brother be handling his as I am handling mine, then together we can surely manage to handle ours. When I speak about making allowances based on potential, I'm thinking of situations such as the brother who is not very worldly who I can see in the future broadening his horizons, or the individual who isn't great at verbalizing his feelings but who through his actions demonstrates a kind and caring nature; even the brother who finds it difficult to stay level-headed when angry and thus can't truly have a constructive disagreement without requiring a "cool down" period. These are the kinds of things I typically make allowances for in the hope that I can help them get to their potential in these areas.

What I have learned so far though is that this probably is NOT the way to go. There is a definite shelf-life on potential, and as they say, "old dogs and new tricks don't mix". Unfortunately I am finding that if a brotha has reached the ripe, old age of forty-eleven and still is not in the neighborhood of his potential per his own assessment, it is most likely a destination he will never reach. Worse even, someway, somehow I always seem to end up [at least in his mind] being the reason his trip was aborted even if I just arrived on the scene only a short while ago. I'm guessing the same thing applies in reverse for the brothers out there; however, you guys very rarely get accused of "chasing white collars" even though "chasing white gurls" is a whole 'nother post :)

The long and short of it is that we single, successful, sistas over forty are trying our best to work with the brothas. On behalf of all of us, I'm asking that the brothas please try to work with themselves and stop hating on us if you choose not to.

Before he sends us to our lives here on earth, GOD loads us up with gifts. Some are obvious like a beautiful smile, great personality, and natural talents such as the ability to sing, dance, or excel at sports. Others are less obvious, and require some effort on our part to become obvious; but believe me when I say that these "not so obvious" gifts are no less valuable. As a matter of fact, I believe that GOD expects more from us when it comes to the kind of gifts represented by potential because it is one of the few opportunities we get while here on earth to actually be involved in a direct partnership with GOD.

So here's to hoping you are allowing your partnerships with GOD and with each other to flourish by way of maximizing your potential; I know I am working as hard as I can on mine.

The APOLOGY....A Lost Art?

It occurs to me that much of what we are taught in school is useless and the things that would really be helpful to us are never taught. Things such as managing our finances which could make life as adults so much more stress-free and enjoyable are overlooked in favor of Calculus which unless you are on your way to rocket scientist land will provide no advantage to you in the real world. One of the things that should be taught to every individual on the planet is the art of being a participant in an apology. Note that I said the art of being a participant in an apology and NOT the art of apologizing. In my opinion, most folks do not excel at this activity and from my observations, it does not seem to matter if one is the individual making the apology or the one to whom the apology is being made; typically, they both suck at the job. So I thought I would take some time to share some thoughts on the art of participating in an apology in the hope that I might be able to help others in some small way.

To start, here are a couple examples where participants in apologies have lost their way:

1. "I'm sorry for whatever it is that you think I did to you?"
2. "I know I was wrong but you did the same thing two weeks ago and I didn't say anything about it, but whatever, I apologize if it will make you shut-up."
3. "Just because I accepted your apology doesn't mean you are off the hook; you owe me."
4. "I accept your apology but I don't forgive you yet."

Apology: a justification or defense of an act or idea, from the Greek apologia (απολογία). An apology can also be an expression of contrition and remorse for something done wrong. An example would be: "I apologize for stealing your carrots, please forgive me!"

One of the fallacies of most of the world's thinking about apologies is that the individual making the apology is not sincere if they in any way attempt to offer an explanation of how they ended up in the predicament requiring an apology [i.e. What do you think when you hear the following, "See, what had happened was..."]. As is evident by the Wikipedia's definition of the word apology shown above, "justification and defense of one's actions or ideas" can be an integral part of an apology. It is important to remember this when receiving an apology as it is always the right of the "alleged offender" to offer his/her perspective on how what transpired occurred. Allowing the offender to share their perspective or rationale in some cases can make it possible for the receiver to be able to accept the offered apology when he/she might not otherwise have been able to understand the why of what happened.

Another fallacy is the thought that an apology MUST be about regret. Though sorrow may be involved in most apologies, it is NOT a required ingredient. It is possible for an individual to feel no remorse for their actions that led to an injury requiring an apology even though they might feel remorse about having caused the injury. The offender's intent should play some role in determining whether or not to accept an apology particularly when the injury occurred without malice aforethought. Even so, the individual making the apology must be cognizant of the fact that though he/she might not feel remorse for the circumstances that led to them needing to make an apology, they ABSOLUTELY must admit that they were responsible for some level of wrong otherwise, no apology would be necessary. These are the minimal responsibilities of the individual making the apology.

If an individual finds his/herself in the unfortunate position of being owed an apology, even though they are the injured party there are minimal expectations placed upon them as well. This person should take the time to examine his/her true feelings about what the apologizing individual did that necessitated the apology. During this examination of the situation the person receiving the apology should honestly assess the amount of injury that was inflicted, the true intent of the offender, and whether or not they themselves have over-reacted. The individual receiving the apology should be honest with him/herself about whether or not anything the offender might offer to do could truly make things alright again. If the feeling is that reparations can be made to "even the score", the receiver of the apology should decide for him/herself prior to the apology being offered what exactly those reparations should be in order for the offer of apology to be accepted and the injury forgiven.

Finally and most importantly, the receiver of the apology MUST then be ready to forgive the offender effective immediately following acceptance of the apology.

My own experiences and objective observations have shown me time and time again that few view the process of apologizing and accepting apologies in the same way that I do. Society at large seems to view the process of apologies as anything but a serious matter as is evidenced in pop culture [i.e. Ruben Studdard's attempt to apologize in advance for all of 2004]. Personal experiences that I have had demonstrate that most people not only expect apologies to be filled with a level of grief and remorse that few of us truly feel outside of funerals, but also, that offering any semblance of an explanation of one's own rationale or reasoning invalidates the entire apology. Additionally, in most cases it is a virtual impossibility to offer an acceptable apology because the individual to whom the apology is being offered has absolutely no idea of what they require to deem the apology acceptable. I definitely understand the notion of "different strokes for different folks", however I find it very hard to comprehend this idea of grudge holding. If an apology is accepted, that in essence means that all is forgiven and bygones will be allowed to BE GONE!

So, in an attempt to improve the appreciation of the art of the apology from both perspectives, I have developed a list of dos and don'ts.

When making an apology:

• DO be sincere. Sincerity is essential to a good apology.
• DON'T offer an insincere apology as the lack of sincerity makes any attempt at apologizing a waste of time for everyone involved.
• DO be specific about EXACTLY what it is you are apologizing for. If indeed you believe you were justified in taking whatever the actions were that led to the need for the apology to be made, feel free to offer a brief explanation. Focus on the fact that even though you felt your actions were justified, you regret the outcome of the situation and are willing to do whatever is agreed upon by both parties to repair the situation.
• DON'T place too much emphasis on trying to explain yourself as it may in actuality read like a lack of accountability on your part.
• DO understand that the person to whom you are apologizing feels that he/she has been injured and because of this may need some time to decide if he/she can accept your apology.
• DON'T rush the person to whom you are apologizing to accept your apology.
• DO allow yourself to forgive yourself regardless of whether or not your apology is ever accepted as you are really not a bad person even if you were in the wrong in this situation.
• DON'T assume that your apology will be accepted. Extending an apology is NOT a guarantee of acceptance of said apology and it most certainly doesn't guarantee forgiveness.
• DO move on regardless of the outcome once you have made your best attempt to repair the injury.

When receiving an apology:

• DO proactively set expectations relative to the elements the apology must contain in order to be accepted.
• DON'T wait until the apology is taking place before you set your expectations as this will cloud your thinking and you should determine for yourself what is necessary to make things right as you are the injured party.
• DO allow the person extending the apology to explain him/herself.
• DON'T allow said explanation to become a "Jedi Mind Trick" that leaves you feeling everything was your own fault.
• DO decide if the offered apology is sufficient to repair the injury you experienced or not and use that as the basis for accepting or refusing to accept the apology.
• DON'T accept the apology if it is deficient in any way that is important to you as you will be resentful and feel taken advantage of in the long run.
• DO expect that if the apology is accepted you MUST forgive the injury and NEVER bring it up again.

These are the minimum responsibilities of each individual participant involved in the process of offering and receiving an apology as I see it. I would love to hear your thoughts whether they differ from or are aligned with my own. Please drop a comment as I am interested in the perspectives of others regarding this issue.

In closing, properly extending and receiving an apology in my opinion is fast becoming a lost art. In an attempt to build greater interest, appreciation, and participation in this art, I offered this post. If however my perspective doesn't offer as much insight as you might need regarding making a good apology, there is always this website which you can utilize as a last ditch effort. Unfortunately, the website one can utilize to properly accept an apology and move on is yet to be developed; so until further notice you're on your own in this department!

I am sorry that good apology etiquette has become a lost art and I hope that I have played at least a small role in bringing it back to its former glory.

Just Exhaling....525600 Minutes Later

Under normal circumstances, the PO does not routinely read this blog. Occasionally I send him the link when I have written something I want him to see. I will not be sending a link today because though these are probably the things I should be saying to him, I don't think I can without my intent being misconstrued. If by chance you do ever read this my love I hope you will absorb it in the spirit that it was written; not as an accusation or condemnation but as a way of relieving my mind of some weighty issues that I did not know what else to do with.


I need to talk. I need to clear my head. That is not what this blog is usually used for, but right now I need to talk but I don't want to talk to anyone directly. I just need to say some things that are on my mind that I can't or don't want to actually say out loud to anyone. I just want to say them.

I am in love. I know it without a doubt. It is not something I question because every single cell in my body is over-stimulated with the force of the feelings I have for my PO. At 42, this relationship has me feeling like a teenager. The sheer intensity of it scares the hell out of me, and that doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the emotional roller coaster I am riding right now. If one could graph a curve representing the emotional highs and lows I have experienced over the last year, neither the peaks nor the valleys could possibly be charted. It makes me dizzy. I am constantly trying to get my equilibrium in check.

On one hand, this is a great thing. It is so passionate and I get to feel everything I feel to the maximum level; so when things are good, it is exhilerating. On the other hand, when things are not good, it is exhausting. Right now, things are not good. I keep thinking of the phrase "trying to sleep in the bed you made", and I wonder if that is what I am doing, trying. Please don't get me wrong, I don't have any hesitation about sleeping in this bed as I didn't make it by mistake, I intended to make it; however, I just find myself wondering if this is "the bed" I am supposed to be sleeping in. I wonder if a couple that is "right" for each other would have to try to sleep in the bed they made. The problem is that I know what I want, and he is it; nevertheless, I wonder often if I am really what he wants?

I'll say it again so that there is no confusion: I love my PO. I have no questions about his rightness for me; I just wonder if I am the right woman for him.

As I think back over my relationship history, I recognize the fact that I have not often if ever considered whether or not I was right for the person with whom I was involved; I have only taken into consideration whether or not he was what I believed I wanted/needed. For the most part, that has been my perspective in this relationship as well. Now, I find myself trying to understand what it is he needs? What does he want? Am I the woman who can provide those things? I can't answer these questions because I am not sure I know what he wants or needs; I'm not sure he knows for sure right now. The thing is that as my PO and I try to navigate the process of combining our individual lives into a joint one, I am beginning to see things in myself that I know I can't change and that he doesn't necessarily embrace. The reverse holds true as well, and subsequently, issues arise due to miscommunication, unspoken expectations, and baggage from previous relationships. Though we work hard at finding the middle ground on these issues, I feel that for some of these issues there really is no middle ground. I'm alright with this because I CHOSE to commit myself to my PO understanding and EXPECTING him to come with "imperfections" some of which would never go away or even improve. I am not sure that my PO operates from the same perspective, as he seems to be willing to throw in the towel a lot more easily than I am comfortable with.

I find myself wondering why that is and what it means. Does it imply that I love him more than he does me? Am I more committed to the relationship? Am I more invested and consequently do I have more to lose? OR, am I living in a fantasy land of "trying to sleep in the bed I made" while he is living in the reality of "life without rose-colored glasses"? Is what I deem "commitment" really just an excuse not to deal with a situation that may have run its course? What can I discern from his "call it quits" attitude if anything? AND, am I over-analyzing everything or is this just another of the basic differences between us?

I talk a lot. I know this; those of you who know me and those of you who don't actually know me personally know this. This is not something that is likely to change and I know better than to even consider trying to curb the impulse. I am a person who has very definite ideas and opinions about every thing and I make decisions relatively quickly. I know what I want, and don't hesitate letting others know what I want. I don't often find myself second-guessing myself and am typically ready to move to the next thing pretty quickly. I don't get angry easily or often, and when my anger flares, it passes quickly. I don't prolong anger. I don't wallow in it. I don't hold grudges. I have been accused of being confrontational, and I don't deny that I am. However, my tendency is to confront the issue whatever it is and move on. I am very open about myself, my feelings, and my life. I love hard. I CHOOSE to love those I love. When I CHOOSE to love someone, everything I am and have is invested into that love. When love doesn't work out the way I hoped it would I am annihilated. This is who I am.

I know my PO loves me. I know he cares about me. I just am not sure he can love some of the many parts of me that make me the me that I am. Thus, it is not my characteristics that make me question my suitability as a mate for my PO; it is his response to these parts of me that are not very likely to undergo significant change that cause me to wonder if I am the right woman for him. I know that I am ALL IN as far as this relationship goes. I am totally committed to my PO and us having a life together. I have CHOSEN this man with all of his imperfections. I am content to let some disagreements and/or dissatisfactions go unresolved indefinitely because my need to just be with this man is stronger than my need to resolve every issue that we have. I hope he feels the same, but sometimes I think people stick because of a self-imposed obligation they feel. Sometimes I think people move too fast for themselves and then try to stay the course out of fear of hurting someone they care about. I hope this is not the case, but I wonder. If he were to tell me that this is the case, I would love him and myself enough to let him go. I would be annihilated, but I would do it.

I know he loves me, he tells me all the time. I wonder though if he loves me enough. I wonder if he loves me enough to accept that I love him and with him is the only place I really want to be. I wonder if he loves me enough to hang on to me through whatever shows up on our horizon and to never let go. I wonder if he loves me enough to try to comfort or support me during my times of need even when those times occur on the same day that I have made him so angry he feels like he wants to explode. I wonder if he wants me and wants to be with me in the all-consuming, can't think, can't breathe way I want to be with him. I wonder if what he feels for me is strong enough to allow him to override his cynicism about women and relationships in general and accept that I am only interested in what is best for the both of us. I wonder if [in spite of whatever his pessimistic nature might be telling him] he can love me enough to accept that I have only one agenda and it is not hidden: to be with him.

Then again, I wonder if he cares enough about both of us to get out of this relationship if it is not what he truly wants.

525600 Minutes.....Part Two

This is the graduation photo of a young lady named LaVena Johnson. Though she and I are both natives of St. Louis, Missouri (the "show me" state), and might even have been neighbors at some point as she and I both have lived in Florissant, one of St. Louis' largest suburbs, we are not acquainted. As it stands, I was only introduced to Ms. Johnson two days ago by way of this post on my pal DP's blog, "Parrish, The Thoughts".

You may be wondering, why I am writing a post in my 525600 minutes series about a young woman I didn't even know existed a year ago. The answer to that question is simple, it is because a year in the life of this young woman made such a profound difference to her and her family that it has compelled me to want to spread her story.

Ms. Johnson, an "A" student at a local high school here in St. Louis graduated as expected, but instead of going off to college, she chose a different road. She decided to join the United States Army in order to earn the money to help pay for her own college education. Ms. Johnson was inducted into the army, successfully completed basic training, and inside of that year, found herself at the inconceivably young age of 19 years old off to serve her country in Iraq.

On July 19, 2005, PFC LaVena Johnson died near Balad, Iraq; she would have been 20 years old just eight days later. Ms. Johnson did not die in combat. Her death has not been deemed accidental. Her parents were told by Army representatives that PFC Johnson "died of self-inflicted, noncombat injuries," and initially they were also told "it was not a suicide." This cause of death is not supported by the findings of the autopsy performed on PFC Johnson nor does it jive with the forensic evidence found at the scene of her death. In the link to the full story on DP's blog you can read all of the particulars of this case and view a well-done local newscast that details this family's struggle to find answers. I truly hope you will click the link as this beautiful young woman and her family have not received the courtesy and respect that her sacrifice deserves.

Contrary to what some might be thinking, this is not a post about whether or not America should be sending our soldiers to Iraq. Of course I have opinions about that issue, but this is a different issue entirely. This post is simply about what our soldiers and their families are owed when 525600 minutes impacts their lives in ways as unimagineable as a year in the life of this particular family has. PFC LaVena Johnson deserves justice and the Army owes her the courtesy and respect of doing everything in its power to help her to receive it by discovering what actually did happen to her. Her family has been irrevocably altered and for what they have been forced to give up, they deserve a full investigation into their daughter's death, an explanation of how and why it happened, and a full apology for having to go to such extreme measures to get what the Army owes to each and every family of a soldier killed while on active duty.

Perhaps the problem here is that Ms. Johnson was just a private and not a high ranking officer. Maybe if she had been a celebrity things would have been handled differently; maybe not. Recall the situation involving Cpl. Pat Tillman, the NFL player who joined the Army and was killed by friendly fire which was at first deemed a combat death. Referring to the difficulties encountered when trying to learn the truth of the circumstances surrounding her son's death, the mother of Pat Tillman was once quoted as having said:
"This is how they treat a family of a high-profile individual,". "How
are they treating others?"

After reading this, if you do nothing else, please click this link which will take you to the website where you can sign the petition to impress upon the powers that be to re-open the case of PFC LaVena Johnson's death. You will also be able to forward the petition to those individuals in your email address book if you are so inclined which will help to spread the word further and faster. The petition has been being circulated since February 21, 2007 and though it had great momentum in its early days, that momentum has slowed significantly so please pass the word to others as well. Together we can bring justice to LaVena and closure to her family.

GOD's blessings, love, and comfort to the Johnson family.

A year in a life can change everything.....

525600 Minutes...A Year in the Life (Part One)

By nature I am an upbeat, happy-go-lucky, optimistic kinda person. Even so, sometimes bad things happen to me. More often though, GREAT things happen to me. I believe that we get what we expect out of life, so I guess according to that view one could say that great things happen to me because that is exactly what I anticipate having happen to me. I don't know, maybe it is a "which came first chicken or the egg" type of phenomena; in either event, I don't really believe it is important to know why or even how it happens this way as long as it does happen.


Anyway, this approach to life serves me well and makes it easily possible for me to get through the rough patches in my life. At the risk of sounding like a Pollyanna, I have been known to live and give the following advice when I or someone I love is dealing with the lowest points in life:

"I know this is hard. I wish I could change that but I can't. However, try this....Think back to one year ago today and try to remember what you were doing, how you felt, and what the major focus in your life was. Now, imagine this date one year from now and try to imagine what you will be doing, how you will feel, and what the major focus in your life will be. Nine times out of ten, a year ago you were not caught up in whatever it is that has you down today; and more than likely a year from now, what you are going through today will be a distant memory. In a mere 525600 minutes, you might have new problems to replace this one, you may have found your way through the cloud that is this problem and be basking in the silver lining inside of it, or you may even have discovered a completely new and unrelated joy. Either way, you won't ALWAYS be caught up in this or feel the way you do right now, and that in and of itself is THE BLESSING."

The last calendar year has been so incredibly pivotal in my life, that I thought I would spend some time reflecting on it and the wondrous impact it has had on my life as well as the lives of those with whom I come in contact. This may take a few posts, but I'll start with the thing for which I am most grateful to have been a part of in the last year.

A year or so ago I wrote the post you will find here. I was deeply caught up in my concern for the health of my oldest brother, and in an effort to make light of the situation, I created the "Top 10 List". . . I remember receiving so many compliments because I was giving my brother a kidney and thinking, "Who wouldn't give their brother a kidney if they could? What's the big deal?" Today, 525600 minutes (give or take a few hundred minutes or so) later, so many thoughts are racing through my head as I reflect back to that time. My brother and I checked into the hospital for his kidney transplant a year ago yesterday. I remember the week before because I was frantically trying to make sure my son, house, and life were in order just in case things did not go as I knew they would. I was NOT afraid; I just wanted to be careful and make sure my bizness was handled just in case. I EXPECTED things to go well and they did. Scratch that, they went phenomenally! And now, 525600 minutes later, my brother's health is no longer my major focus as it was a year ago; yet, I believe it does warrant an update on this blog because so many of you were an integral part of the journey right along with us last year.


My brother had his last dialysis exactly a year ago today, the morning of our surgeries. Typically, it can be anywhere from 6 months to a year before a transplanted kidney begins to function; thus, many transplant patients continue to require dialysis for some time even after transplantation. This was NOT what we expected to have happen in my brother's case; we prayed that his kidney would work as soon as possible. That was what we expected and it was the outcome following my brother's transplant. His new kidney worked immediately upon being transplanted into his body as if it had been there all along. Like I said, you get what you expect.


Last week, my brother called me with great news, his kidney is still functioning wonderfully. So well in fact that the trips to the doctor he has been required to make every 3 months since our surgeries, have now been decreased to twice yearly appointments. Additionally, the weekly blood tests that have been necessary every Saturday since the week following the surgery (to certify that his body was not rejecting the kidney) have now been reduced to once a month. My brother is living the normal, happy life he deserves and planning to go for the first time on our next family vacation cruise in 2008.


From the moment my brother first became ill, I knew intuitively I would help him. I expected my kidney to be a good match; it was. I expected to be able to undergo the surgery and come through it with no residual complications; I did. I expected my brother to be able to go back to living a normal life again after the surgery; he has exceeded every expectation I ever had relative to this. I'll say it again, you get what you expect.


Great expectations are a wonderful thing. I have great expectations. I can have great expectations because of one thing: prayer and faith. I know some of you sticklers are saying "That's two things", and that is where you would be WRONG. They are one thing because neither works without the other. I have faith in my prayers and I pray faithfully; because of this,

I have GOD's permission not only to have Great Expectations,

but also to expect them to come true!

MUST SEE MOVIE!!!!! OPENING WEEKEND PEOPLE!!!!!

PEOPLE PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SUPPORT THIS MOVIE WHENEVER IT OPENS IN YOUR SLICE OF THE UNIVERSE. NOTHING HERE BUT GREAT PERFORMANCES BY GREAT PERFORMERS. PLEASE GO OUT AND SHOW THEM SOME LOVE. THEN, PLEASE COME BACK HERE AND POST A COMMENT WITH YOUR THOUGHTS. TALK TO ME!!!!

You can check out the movie trailer here.

What Makes You Feel Like Doing Stuff Like That?

You Are Periwinkle

You're very intuitive and sensitive. You often know other people better than they know themselves. You're also quite optimistic, and you think well of yourself and others. You know your dreams will come true.

What Color Blue Are You?

Today, was one of those days that was a mix of all things. It was good AND it was bad. It was relaxing AND it was hectic. It was carefree AND complicated all at the same time. As is so often the case when I am frustrated, confused, or just plain confounded in my personal life as I am today, I tiptoed into the lives of others by way of the internet and blogland. Happily, I found a comment from a young lady called Sissy who you can find here. Her comment in a nutshell kinda brought things together again for me. Call it ego if you will, but there was just something so nice about seeing in writing, "I like your style and enjoyed my time here, I'll be back for sure!".

Anyway, I ventured on over to "oh-spare-me", Sissy's blog and found the blue quiz I posted at the top of this post. Now once or fifty-eleven times over the years, I've been told that I'm pretty damned gullible when it comes to things like these quizzes. I am always amazed because they are typically spot on when they describe me based on the answers I give to their questions. I have been told time and time again that these things work by giving broad-stroke, generic descriptors that would apply to the majority of any population being analyzed. Now for all you new friends I am making, let me just say that I am actually one of the sharper knives in the drawer so don't take what I'm saying here the wrong way....I' am not a candidate for the swamp land your great Uncle Dumbass left you; is that clear? Okay with that said, here goes ego alert number two....I BEG TO DIFFER....most of y'all are no periwinkles :b!!!. I know I am periwinkle (and proud of it too dammit!); but I would also have to say that very few if any of the people I run across casually or get to know in-depthly are made of much of the same great stuff described in this analysis of the periwinkles of the world.

Daily it seems, I find myself wondering why he did that or why she did not do this. I am often asked how I could do such a generous thing as this or why didn't I go tee-totally off when this or that person did such and such a thing to me. It got me to wondering in the words of the old school classic, 'What Makes You Feel Like Doing Stuff Like That?'

I'm definitely no authority, but as they say, I think we are who we are and we do what we do and it is just as simple as that. That being the case, Sissy thanks for your comment this evening, I don't know what made you feel like doing stuff like that, but I sure am glad something did!

Independence Is One Thing But Damn!

First things first, Happy Independence Day!!

Those of you who have visited me here from the start know that I love a holiday. To me, holidays are excellent excuses (though in my case none are needed) to get together with people you love. I await them eagerly and typically I am throwing some shindig or another; but not today. Today I am in Ohio and happily anticipating sharing my first summer holiday with the family of my intended. As I said, I love holidays.

Now, to the real point of this post.

I realize that today is the day on which we as a nation celebrate our collective independence, and that is a very good thing to celebrate. Each and every one of us as American citizens are entitled to celebrate the history of our country's emancipation and those who made the freedoms we enjoy possible. However, in the midst of our celebrations of our independence, I find myself wondering if just maybe we have become too independent?

This morning, even though I am in a different physical environment, I undertook my usual routine which includes a quick news run-down on the internet. I was saddened to read of an incident involving a woman who was stabbed in a convenience store full of people none of whom offered her any assistance. This poor woman was left to die on the floor as patrons of the store stepped over her; one person even stopped and used his/her cell phone to take the dying woman's picture and even then offered no assistance or so the article went.

IMAGINE!

For the horrible isolation and pain that woman must have felt as she lie on that floor and bled to death, I am so sorry. No one should feel that in the midst of others. My prayers and condolences go out to her and her family and I hope her murderers will be punished. As bad as the people who perpetrated this crime are, I personally believe that those in the store who were aware of her predicament and still offered no assistance are a very close runner-up for the "Damn! Am I A Tragic Waste Of Skin" award themselves.

What could these people (and I use the term loosely here) possibly have been thinking. Have we become so independent that we don't feel any responsibility to offer assistance in such a dire situation? Have we really become so "me oriented" that we can look ourselves in the mirror after having witnessed such an incident knowing we did not do all in our power to come to the aid of another? I don't know how those individuals were able to do what they did in that situation. Maybe there were extenuating circumstance of which I am unaware. Maybe....I think its doubtful, but I sure hope there were.....it would just make me feel better.

In any event, I for one am longing for the days of community that would never have allowed such a thing to happen. I'm remembering with a fondness that I never would have guessed I'd ever feel a past neighbor of mine, Mrs. Hopson. She was a crochety, old woman who lived next door to me when I was 12 years old. She had a beautiful home and yard and no children. She would spend her days sitting in her front window yelling out to the kids in our neighborhood to get off her "sidewalk grass"....you know, the grass by the curb that actually belongs to the city. Anyway, back then I believed I hated that old woman. Now, 30 years later, I realize something I did not know then, she was one of my protectors. What I know now that I didn't know then is that with the Mrs. Hopsons of the world around, we were safer than we are without them. Though she would have snitched to my Mama in a hot minute if I stepped on the line let alone over it, she also would have seen and interfered with anyone trying to bring harm to me or any other kid in my hood. I assure you, that no kid ever went missing on her watch; and if any harm ever did come to any of us, Mrs. Hopson would have been the first to offer aid and then would have offered a more complete incident report to our parents than any emergency room could have provided. Though independent, Mrs. Hopson and those like her still get that we are a community and owe allegiance not only to our flag and country, but to each other as well.

So as you celebrate our country's independence and maybe even your own, please make an effort to understand that independence and isolation are not the same thing. We are all interconnected and so as you celebrate this theme of independence today, also celebrate the Mrs. Hopsons who have crossed your path because in them, we are able to see the best example of independence.....the ability to choose to stand up.

Happy 4th of July to you Mrs. Hopson wherever you are now.... I Love You and those like you!!!!

Where Is Sharon, Where Is Sharon? There She Is, There She Is....

Since 2007 began, I have traveled to Dallas (twice), Chicago (twice), Ohio (three times), Omaha (0nce), Wichita (once), Puerto Rico (once), and Newark/New York (once). The fact of the matter is that I am a wanderlust. I love to go, to see new things, to meet new people.

While in Dallas, I visited with family [shout-outs to Junior, Diane, and Jodie], and tried to get a face to face meeting with one of the smartest bloggers I read DP of "Parrish, The Thoughts" and his fiancee Diva E which unfortunately was not to be.


In Chicago, I laid my head at one of my favorite hotels, The Intercontinental and had my first experience with a Hard Rock Hotel [which I found to be fun and a bit off the beaten trail as hotels go]. While there I also finally got to experience the stage production "WICKED" which I had been trying to catch for the last couple of years. I highly recommend it [even if like me you were unable to get into the book] especially if you, like me, are a lifelong fan of "The Wizard of Oz". It is a prequel that is as far away as you can get from what I would have imagined the backstory to be.


In Ohio [Columbus and Springfield], I spent time with the PO. Some of that time was quite difficult as we navigated some of those relationship moments that make you wonder if GOD's plan for two-by-two is way off the mark. Some of that time was representative of the most peaceful and contented moments I have ever spent on this planet and made Ms. Just Write Now feel as JUST RIGHT as she is ever likely to feel. All of that time was invaluable in bringing me ever more closely to absolute certainty that the PO is the one for me.

My jaunt to Omaha was all about the business of business. A quick meeting with my boss that solidified what I already knew, Ms. Just Write Now has hit her stride on the corporate track and things in that area are going along according to plan.

Wichita and Puerto Rico were both the result of the second gig I have taken on this year to earn some extra cash on the side so I can get myself more quickly to the Nirvana of good credit and solid financial footing that one of my favorite bloggers [Chele] spoke about in this recent post, "Reflections" on her site. Blessed by a good friend [that would be you Lacey] who referred me to this opportunity, I have been too busy to blog because of the impact of this gig on my personal time. Though I am a woman who works for a living and enjoys her job, I am not a woman who would work if she did not have to. I assure you that I could make my life even more meaningful and fulfilling if I did not have to punch a clock. However, if one must work or heaven forbid take on a side gig to get the things done that have to be done, this is the way to do it! I get to meet new peeps, travel both domestically and abroad, and make a nice piece of change without doing anything too taxing physically [the travel notwithstanding] or illegal. As they say "everybody ain't able" and Lawd am I glad I am.

My most recent trip was just this past week to Newark, NJ [business trip] with a side trip into Manhattan to see "THE COLOR PURPLE" on Broadway. The Newark part of the trip was wonderful and enhanced the ongoing career development I have undertaken this year. The trip to Broadway was my first, and being taken and picked-up in a chauffer-driven limousine was definitely the way to go. As eager as I was to see the play [especially on Broadway], I must say that Oprah has once again proven that she and I have very different tastes. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the play/musical for what it is worth, and I thought that Fantasia did a wonderful job [surprisingly considering I was embarassed on her behalf after watching the lousy acting job she did in her Lifetime TV biographical movie]. However, the overall impact the play had on me was that it left me with the question: "Why?" I will be happy to be more specific if requested but I don't want to be a spoiler. Suffice it to say that Oprah and the powers that be chose to focus in on angles that in my opinion did nothing to enhance the story or capture its true spirit. Perhaps I love the book and movie too much to make room in my heart for any other interpretation.....perhaps, but methinks NOT!!!

After all of this wandering, I am finally home again. I can sit in my yard/park and smell the smells of my home and city. I can sleep in my bed, and play with my dog. I can see the flowers that I planted and jump in the car and drive over to my favorite local restaurant, bar, or shop. I can change my mind about what I want to wear, and not have to worry that I did not bring the desired article of clothing with me. I can open my eyes and on every single day allow them to focus on the most beautiful creation me and GOD [oh and his Daddy too ;)] ever made, my son's face. As much as I love life as seen from inside a suitcase, I must say, that Dorothy said it best:

There Really Is No Place Like Home!

Still On Probation and STILL Loving It! The PO too ;)

TRAVELS by Ms. Just Write Now (3/2007)

Our future you held in the palm of your hand
A ticket to discover strange new lands.
It became apparent not long from the start
That a love explorer did not dwell in your heart.

The thrill of the journey, You, did not excite
The peaks of love's mountains lost in the valleys of fights.
The oceans served only as gulfs, separating our hearts
Their waters always choppy kept us apart.

On the rivers and streams of love's wondrous world
We never flowed smoothly but seemed to be hurled
From one bank to the other until broken and bruised
We emerged from love's waters barely surviving our cruise.

The deserts, no fascination for you, could provide
Endless sand, drought, and thirst were all you derived.
Never seeing the potential of this fluid-deprived land
You couldn't imagine the castles we could build in the sand.

The light of love's sun placed its kiss on your face
But you ignored this gift that you could have embraced.
A gift so few get, you cursed before noon
But love continued to try, and sent you its moon.

It provided soft light to follow you around
So you could see all the beauty love had allowed to abound.
It rationed its light to display beauteous advantage
But a nod of appreciation you just never could manage.

But STILL love maintained; its goal still not reached
It had found an injured heart and it wanted to teach.
So love gathered its strength and all of its might
Because love NEVER gives up when it knows it is right.

So love continued to send its wonders your way
Showing you more beauty with each passing day.
It sent flowers each morning and starlight at night
Always anticipating your need to take flight.

Love showed its patience, its presence steadfast
Love wanted you to know it would not leave; it would last.
Love sent fragrance you could smell and textures to feel
So you could easily recall love's strong appeal.

Love came from above, below, and around
Love did ALL in its power, You, to surround.
Love decided to keep you in its warm embrace
And planned to take you to its special place.

Where you'd be enchanted by all of love's charms
Love longed to encircle you and keep you from harm.
There, nothing could touch you but love's protective hand
Which would be yours for the taking, no need to demand.

In return for all this, love requests one small favor
That your heart just receive it and enjoy all its flavor.
Race up love's mountains and know that the valleys below,
Hold their very own wonders, and don't hesitate to go

Across love's dry deserts where great things can be built
And sail love's great oceans, and enjoy to the hilt
Love's rivers and streams which may toss you around
But somehow love plants you back on firm ground.

Bask in love's sun and play naked in her moon
Understanding when one leaves it will return soon.
Remember love is kind, not boastful or proud
But don't make the mistake of thinking love won't get loud.

Because love knows when its right, and will stand, and WILL fight
Hanging on to what matters with all of her might.
Love is patient and forgiving and will not stand in your way
If you decide the best thing for you, is walking away.

Love and the wonders of her world are yours for the taking.
Love brings only honesty and has no time for faking.
Love can't be what it's not, but it comes with great power
That will be there for you always, every minute and hour.

Simply reach out to love and yours it will be
Let it into your life and set yourself free.
Regrets, there'll be some, and joy so much more
But you have to reach out and open love's door.

With its tenacity and diligence, love has found you at last.
Now let it soothe and heal the wounds of your past.
Love has finally found you, after a lifetime it seems.

So relax and just bask in the glow of love's beams.

What's going on you ask? Where are they now, you wonder? Well......

The wedding has been called off due to the "trips" the PO and I have taken this year. However, the relationship is still DEFINITELY on, and believing as I do that marriage is a journey and not a destination, I have to say....THIS is a very good thing!!! The probation, the discovery, and the saga continues and I'm loving the trip! Stay Tuned!

Shhhhh! Be Very, Very Quiet

With the lightest amount of pressure possible, she used the tips of her fingers to gently push open the door to her blog. At first, nothing seemed to happen....the door would not give. Then, as tiny dust particles dislodged themselves from the door and fell into her unprotected eyes, the door began to give. She hoped it wouldn't squeak thereby sounding the alarm that after an unplanned absence of more than six months, Ms. Just Write Now (LOL) was attempting to SNEAK unnoticed back into blogland.

I mean what was it she was expecting after all? Did she dare believe that those she had come to know by way of their regular visits to her blog would still be waiting on the other side of the door she had almost allowed to rust shut forever? Did she imagine herself to be so loved that there they would be still waiting for her next post? Was her ego so out of control that she really believed that those who had given her exactly what she wanted [a regular readership] for so many months, would be willing to give themselves to her again; especially considering the callous treatment she had visited upon them? Surely no one could expect so much; not even Ms. Just Write Now who had not seen fit to "just write" in months.

No, she didn't expect any of those things to be the case. She only HOPED that with some consistency and dedication on her part, some of the blog family who had come to know [and in some cases love her], as well as some new friends and family who might just now be making her acquaintance will drop by from time to time so that she might once again make them know how very much their visits mean to her.

I'M BACK....I HOPE SOME OF YOU WILL NOTICE AND FEEL THAT IS A GOOD THING. I MISSED YOU ALL!